“I could go out in the morning and play a game but I know I’ll never play again.”
Last April, Johnny Holland was pitted against Johnny Sexton and Leinster and the Aviva Stadium. He scored a super try, in close, and did not look a bit out of place.
Last April…
Holland retired from rugby six months later, at the age of 25.
This weekend, while his former Munster teammates return to Paris to play the game that Anthony Foley’s tragic passing postponed, Holland will be back in Cork. He has a mountain of college work to do.
He is moving on but it has not been easy. All he ever wanted to do was play for Munster. He got to do that 11 times but the what-could-have-beens still sting.
Having made his Munster debut against Cardiff in 2013, Holland got his first start against the same side [his fourth Munster appearance] in November 24. Munster got an early try, which he converted, before injury struck. He recalls:
“I tore my hamstring off the bone. I was a good 14 months rehabbing that.
“It is an injury that has affected a lot of rugby players – Paul O’Connell and Sean O’Brien are two others – in recent years and it is starting to happen in GAA a lot now too. Mine didn’t heal properly but back then we didn’t fully know that. Cruciates used to end careers but hamstrings are proving tough to figure out now.”
The road back was arduous but Holland had the full support of family, friends, his girlfriend and all at Munster. He got back for the final few months of last season and seized his playing opportunities. He started Munster’s final five games of the season as they put together a late run that secured Champions Cup rugby for 2016/17.
The crucial victory over Scarlets at Thomond Park would be the last competitive game he would play for Munster. He would not have known that as he walked up the tunnel and took the acclaim of the Munster faithful.
Holland returned to 2016/17 pre-season with high hopes but found every week was a struggle. There were less down days in the new training schedule and he found it tougher to get through them.
The hamstring was giving him terrible pains. He could play a game and get through it but it would seize up for days afterwards. His condition was deteriorating and a call needed to be made. Last October, his retirement was announced. He says:
“By coming back [last season], I proved to myself that I was good enough to make that Munster team. If I had never done it, I would have been in a much worse head-space.”
Having been talked up, last season, as a potential Ireland international, it must have felt strange to see Joey Carbery, who spent most of 2015/16 with Clontarf, play his 11th senior match in the famous 40-29 victory over New Zealand in Chicago.
With Paddy Jackson and Ian Madigan injured, a fit Holland would surely have made that squad. He reasons:
“People have said it to me but I would have had to have started the season with Munster and have been playing well. There is no point saying Joey’s spot should have been mine.”
What Holland found even harder than watching the game go on without him was coping with life going on without him. Munster moved on – Tyler Bleyendaal coming back from his own injury hell to shine at No.10 – and so must he. It was not easy.
“I was going to the gym two times a day and continue with my own rehab. It was so I could feel I was achieving something; staying on top of my fitness. What I discovered, though, is that no-one praises you for going to the gym all the time when it is not your job.”
Holland adds, “I tried to stay involved at Munster. I was turning up once a week, on Wednesdays, after training for a chat and to see what the lads were up to. Some lads would hang on for some kicking pracrice and I’d join in. ‘I’ll show up and see what I can get done,’ I thought.”
Holland got in touch with his friends back home and organised five-a-side football. He needed to keep the competitive juices flowing.
“I’d get through the first game alright and not have too much of a reaction. Next time I played I was sore the next morning. For the next couple of games, I could hardly play at all. I said to myself, ‘What are you doing?!’ I was taking on too much, too soon.”
The nature of Holland’s hamstring issue is that he can get around, day-to-day, no problem. His daily life is not hindered too much. His hamstring simply can’t take a build-up in workload.
“I could show up and play for Munster tomorrow,” he says, “and I would be fine, but I wouldn’t be able to train the next week and I would probably miss the next match too.”
After discussions with those close to him, he took a further step back from the life of a pro rugby player. He poured himself into his online college course in sports and exercise nutrition. He is still involved in rugby – coaching Cork Cons’ U20 side – and gets along to Munster games when he can.
He is not altering his calendar for it though. If he misses a match, he misses a match. He’ll find out the result eventually and fire off a text or two.
Asked if any regrets still linger, Holland has one that stands out.
“I was in my own bubble back then [when I was playing],” he says.
“You would be training and playing with the likes of Keith Earls, Simon Zebo, Donnacha Ryan, Conor Murray, and just getting on with it. Not taking it in.
“If I could go back now, I’d try to take it all in and remember the good times.”
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