Life isn’t really about what you do. It’s about what you tell people you’re doing it for.
The time comes for every GAA player to be benched – either dropped before the game or taken off during it – but the only thing that matters is the spin you put on it.
Why were you benched?
How do you feel about it?
And don’t tell anyone your real, actual feelings – give them the bullshit line you want people to think to make them believe that you’re a better person than what you really are.
1. Fill up the water
What to do: Sprint to the pumps, load up two crates of water bottles like they haven’t been done before and fire them out like your life depended on it.
What they’ll think: Jesus, fair play to your man. No airs and graces about him.
Why you’re really doing it: To make the manager feel sorry for dropping such a supportive, helpful and all-round nice guy who’d do absolutely anything for the team.
2. Take the lead in the warm-up
What to do: Make sure you’re first to every cone for each drill. Shout at team mates to get in quicker. Demand more intensity. Encourage players. Tell them to be ready for what’s coming.
What they’ll think: What a leader. Even when not starting, you can still command. Fair play.
Why you’re really doing it: To make everyone else look bad. You’re the most clued in and up for this game and in your desire for intensity and bite – you know, for the team – you can single out players who aren’t getting stuck in. If shit hits the fan, the manager will remember that you had the right attitude.
3. Give the team talk
What to do: You’d f**king love to be playing. You’re absolutely gutted you’re not and the rest of them better appreciate it and take their chance because you’d give your right arm to be out there.
What they’ll think: Fair play.
Why you’re really doing it: To pretend like you care more about the club than you do yourself.
4. Wear a knee bandage
What to do: Wear a knee bandage.
What they’ll think: Oh Jesus, must be an injury. Explains why he’s benched.
Why you’re really doing it: Hedge your bets. If the team are taking a spanking and you can’t be arsed coming on, you’re injured. If the team win and you’re raging you have played no part of it, you’re injured.
5. Limp
What to do: When you’re coming off and making your way to the sideline, limp and wince and hold somewhere – anywhere – on your leg.
What they’ll think: But of course he’s injured. Why else would he not be playing?
Why you’re really doing it: You’re too good to be taken off or benched on any normal day. This is clearly not a normal day.
6. Stand on the sidelines next to the manager
What to do: Coach alongside the head honcho. Bark out orders, shout over the manager if you have to.
What they’ll think: That’s serious passion for the club, right there.
Why you’re really doing it: To show you’re better than all the other subs. You’re not one of the plebs in the dugout. You might not be playing but you’re still higher in the pecking order.
7. Roar support for the player in your position
What to do: Be the first to congratulate him and encourage him even though he has taken your position.
What they’ll think: Pure class. Look at the old pro leading the way for the young ones. Knows the position better than anyone.
Why you’re really doing it: If he keeps going this hard, he’ll either blow a gasket or get injured.
8. Warm-up constantly
What to do: Stay in eyeline of the manager and supporters. Zip down your tracksuit top every time someone cocks up.
What they’ll think: Why isn’t he on?
Why you’re really doing it: It’s basically the best way of nudging the coach until you get what you want.
9. Ask what you need to do to get back on the team
What to do: Go straight over to the manager and ask outright, how can you get back onto this team.
What they’ll think: This player really gives a shit. Great attitude. Will do whatever it takes and willing to take feedback.
Why you’re really doing it: So you can stitch up some of the starters to say they’re not doing half as much.
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