What’s the nicest possible way to say he had a stinker?
We’ve all had off-days but, remember, if you think it’s bad for the player in question, spare a thought for the poor reporter who has committed to player ratings for the local paper.
Sure, he might have conceded 0-7 in 30 minutes but his family, his friends, his team mates and the man himself is going to read your specific individual take on the performance. You have to choose your words carefully.
Here are some of the terms you’ll probably see to butter up a player’s bad day at the office. Unfortunately, we know them too well from experience.
1. Industrious
Donkey.
2. Drew the short straw marking Jimmy
Got absolutely rinsed.
3. Did nothing wrong
Did nothing.
4. Could do very little about the form of Jack
Because he wasn’t capable of doing anything. Should never have been marking Jack in the first place.
5. Covered every blade of grass
Never actually got a touch of the ball.
6. Was a constant threat
Missed a f**king sh*tload.
7. Neat and tidy in possession
Passed the buck to better players.
8. Full of energy
Better suited in another sport.
9. Lacked the right kind of service
Couldn’t win his own ball to save his life.
10. Received no protection
Roasted alive.
Or the rest of the team were just crap.
11. Put in his usual shift
I didn’t actually realise this player was playing.
12. Kept Johnny silent in the second half
Johnny probably got a slap or two in the gob.
13. Ran out of steam/influence waned
Either: a) made one good pass at the start and nothing after; b) got a slap or two in the gob; or c) is overweight.
14. Had a quiet outing by his high standards
Had a stinker but the star player gets a bye ball in case we need to interview him next week.
15. Game as ever
We’ll say nothing about actual football/hurling ability.
16. Didn’t have much to do
Reporter got distracted and/or other team were sh*t.
17. Looked really lively going forward
Lazy so and so wouldn’t track back to save his life.
18. Not on long enough to be rated
I really couldn’t be bothered to write these anymore.
