You’re Cristiano Ronaldo – choose your next club

You’re Cristiano Ronaldo. Time to find out which club you should play for next

Well, Cristiano, it is time to make your mind up.

No matter how many times Manchester United insist that you’re not for sale, you want out and it’s becoming increasingly obvious to everyone that your future lies elsewhere.

Where, exactly, isn’t clear, but don’t worry – that’s where we come in.

We’ve devised a method of determining the perfect club for you to spend next season – completely ignoring things like how much you’re likely to need to pay and the fact a lot of these clubs might require you to run a bit more than you do to get full value.

Still, this, we think, should help…

First things first, let's think about the weather. Which of these conditions do you prefer playing your football in?

Come on. I'm from Madeira. Day-to-day sunshine please.

Binning it down, nearly all year round

Cold, sometimes even snowy. Freezing conditions slows defenders down.

Correct!

Wrong!

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Which of these men do you most admire?

Sir Alex Ferguson

Florentino Perez

Lionel Messi

Cristiano Ronaldo, obviously

Correct!

Wrong!

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To what extent does playing Champions League football every year matter to you?

I have to play Champions League. I AM the Champions League

The occasional run in the Europa League would be quite nice.

I prefer mid-table mediocrity and the occasional relegation scrap.

Correct!

Wrong!

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Would you describe yourself as someone who is easily disappointed?

Not really. I take each day as it comes.

Yes. When you set high expectations for yourself, this is part of life.

Correct!

Wrong!

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Which of these music acts are you most likely to listen to?

Las Ketchup

Andrea Bocelli

Simply Red (Ask your dad)

David Guetta

Correct!

Wrong!

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To what extent do you love your old clubs?

I love them all. Especially Manchester United. Definitely them.

Ha! You don't honestly believe that shit do you? I only love me.

Correct!

Wrong!

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Are you the kind of person who is open to trying new things, or do you stick to what you're good at?

I'm open to trying new things

I stick with what I know I'm good at

Correct!

Wrong!

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How do you like your club owners?

Charismatic businessmen

Parasitic Americans

Rulers of wealthy states with questionable human rights records

Those that might end up paying me in beans instead of actual money

Correct!

Wrong!

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As a prolific goalscorer, which of these legendary strikers do you most admire?

Müller

Ronaldo

Del Piero

Lineker

Correct!

Wrong!

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What's more important to you in life?

Making more money than I, or the next three generations of my family, could ever spend

Being regarded a success by my peers

Preserving the bond I have with Man United fans, who I definitely love. Honest.

Correct!

Wrong!

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What do you think of this man's choice of career path?

Treacherous

I admire it. Real winners put club loyalties aside.

Correct!

Wrong!

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What kind of manager do you most enjoy playing for?

One with an obsessive eye for detail

A manager who sometimes prioritises results over style

One I'll not get attached to as they'll likely be sacked in 6 months

Correct!

Wrong!

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Truthfully, do you hate this man?

Lionel is a wonderful player. Our rivalry is on the pitch only and he is a great man.

I can't stand the little bastard.

Correct!

Wrong!

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Related links:

• Man United reportedly set terms for Cristiano Ronaldo transfer.
• Cristiano Ronaldo’s agent ‘holds talks with Barcelona’ over shock move.
• Cristiano Ronaldo could be headed to Chelsea in sensational Premier League switch-up.

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