You’ve lost… but WHY did you lose?

There was a reason – there were loads of them – and everyone must know.

Don’t be afraid to get straight into it – hit them with your excuses as early and as often as possible.

Understrength team

Mention this in the first line.

“An understrength senior team travelled to Wolfe Tones on Sunday shorn of a number of key players…”

It doesn’t matter if you’re insulting the boys who actually did play.

Allude to the state of the pitch

And be as bitter about it as you want.

“Played out in boggy conditions on our hosts’ training field (no reason given for the change in pitch), the seniors put in a spirited display to battle through the mud and, at times, the waterlogged surface.”

Take a swipe at the county board

You’ve had no time to prepare for this match, like.

“After a memorable result on the Bank Holiday Monday when the boys produced the best football the county will see for the rest of the year and shocked the province with a stunning victory over Emmet’s, there wasn’t exactly a lot of time to recover and prepare for Sunday’s game given the county board squashed it in at the last minute to cover their own fixture mess.”

Mention the weather

Another facet completely out of your control – and it wasn’t even the same for both teams.

“If the injury list, the lack of time between games and the dangerous underfoot conditions weren’t enough, the seniors also had to battle against the elements with a howling gale-force wind blowing in their faces for the first half.”

Bury the actual score

It’s all about deception. Tell them what you want them to hear. But if you’re praising the opposition, always mask it as merely an allegation.

“Although Wolfe Tones would argue that they had most of the ball in that first half when the seniors were battling the breeze, the effort and commitment shown by every man in a blue jersey simply must be applauded. The back six were defending like Trojans and, when we got our running game going, they simply had no answer for us.”

The reader, of course, has no idea when exactly you did get your running game going. Remind them of the good times.

“The amount of work and desire displayed in such horrible conditions was sometimes hard to believe considering the six-day turnaround from the heroics of last Monday.”

Then, and only then, you can make any reference to how the game was actually going.

“The lads would’ve counted themselves extremely hard done by to go in at the break 10 points down.”

That bloody weather

“Of course, as only our luck would have it, the gale-force wind that was blowing in the team’s faces completely died down by the start of the second half so any advantage we could’ve hoped for after the break was wiped.”

Missed chances

Sure if you didn’t have bad luck, you’d have no luck at all.

“The boys showed great fight in the second half and definitely had the better of the exchanges. Despite the total dominance though, it wasn’t translated to the scoreboard as the lads left their shooting boots at home and Wolfe Tones would’ve thanked their ‘keeper for a couple of world class saves too to keep them in front.”

The referee must’ve had an input

“Just when it felt like we were making in-roads, a few questionable decisions went against the team and the home side rode their luck too with a stone-wall penalty claim somehow waved away by the referee much to the amazement of everyone in the ground – even the home support.”

Nicknames are okay

“With Rhino completely running the show in the second half, Wolfe Tones were hanging on to their lead and, when Bap and Monkman chipped in with fine points, it looked like the seniors were about to mount a phenomenal comeback.” 

More good news.

“The biggest cheer of the day, however, was reserved for the introduction of big Horse who made his long-awaited return from injury and got stuck in straight away. No better man!”

The score doesn’t tell the whole story

After all your spin, it’s important to make the actual final score as insignificant as possible.

“It wasn’t to be our day in the end however and the final score flattered Wolfe Tones. There were loads of positives to take for the seniors going forward and, with the return of some key players back into the fold, the lads will surely get back to winning ways in no time.

“Now, they’ll look to more important matters with the championship next month and they’ll take their good form into that first round clash. This was a good run-out though and important to get some of the fringe players valuable game time.

“Final score: 4-16 to 0-8.”

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