There’s a cliché epidemic sweeping the GAA and it needs sorting quicker than cynical fouling or defensive tactics.
Pre-season competitions up and down the country are underway, the league is drawing closer for clubs, and managers, wannabe team captains and disgruntled retirees are stretching their vocal chords ready for another bout of shouting nonsense in the changing rooms, on the field and from the sidelines.
We’ve already looked at the 32 things every club player heard in their first team meetings and the weeks that followed afterwards but, now, it’s just going to keep getting worse.
Here’s a list of things that are barked at games and really need to be given up for Lent – and hopefully for a long time after.
1. Don’t give it away! (The manager with a genius idea)
2. Boys, we can’t make you do it. (The manager with no idea)
3. Our shots need to go over. (The pioneer manager reinventing the game)
4. Do you want my glasses, ref? (The joker in the stands)
5. Take it yourself, ref! (The disgruntled man in the stands)
6. You forgot your blue jersey, ref. (The disgruntled joker in the stands)
7. Lads, listen up. Quit the f**king chat and do your stretches. (The thirds player training for an All-Ireland)
8. Get in a line, for f**k sake. (The reserve player who understands the importance of uniformity in a warm-up)
9. Would you kick the bloody thing in and stop this tippy-tappy sh*t. (The old-timer fed up with modern football)
10. THAT’s the ball! (The old-timer satisfied with a nothing high ball that’s about to be turned straight over)
11. We’re not winning the breaking ball. (The manager who will blame fitness for the loss at the end of the game)
12. We’ve kicked nine wides, won eight breaks, caught three clean kickouts, turned the ball over in their half twice, conceded one goal chance, lost the ball to an unforced error six times… (The manager who reads a pile of stats out at the break and swiftly moves on with no-one quite knowing the point being made)
13. Where’s that ref from? Ack, jaysus, he’s a Leitrim man, sure what would he know about football? (The grump on the bandwagon consulting his programme with every break in play)
14. Johnny, I told you before that, if you don’t train, you don’t play. (The manager promising to crack down on even his star players)
15. (Two minutes and three points later…) Johnny, warm up.
16. The game sort of ebbed and flowed out there. (The default post-match manager interview)
17. There’s been a lot of talk in the media, a lot of boys writing this team off. (The more ballsy post-match manager interview)
18. Lookit, it’s going to be tough. We’re going in as the underdogs. (The default pre-match manager interview)
19. Lookit, if we give everything we can and stick to the game plan, I’m sure we’ll not be too far away. (The more ballsy pre-match manager interview)
20. He’s put it away soccer-style. (The commentator frantically researching whether number 15 used to play a bit of soccer before)
21. It’s Manchester United coming up against Darlington out here. (The analyst who thinks those watching at home can’t grasp what’s going on without a suitable reference point)
22. That’s as good as a score. (The fan with a basic misunderstanding of maths)
23. Get it out of the way now, Jimmy! (Players reacting to hideous pre-game shots)
24. His great grandfather used to play for Mayo. (The commentator who can’t believe a Donegal family emigrated up the coast)
25. Make a sub, for f**k sake. (The parent watching on at an U14 game with no allegiance to the bench whatsoever… apart from his son)
26. Jesus Christ, he’s only a minor. Catch yourself on. (The crowd aren’t happy with the over-aggressive corner back)
27. Drive it into him, Bruiser. Put some manners into that man. (The manager coyly brings Bruiser off the bench and into corner forward for a cameo. The crowd love it)
28. We’ll see if you’re a hard man in the car park afterwards. (Empty threats being handed out on the field)
29. Does anyone want to stay behind and do a few extra runs? (The reserve player at senior training making sure he’s within ear shot of the manager)
30. Black card. (Every single tackle is now met with this cry from every single person on and off every single field)
31. Did you bring your vanishing spray, ref? (The character in the reserve team just happy to be out for the day)
32. What else was I supposed to do with him? (The out-of-breath character who accepts he’s fouled the whippet 18-year-old who ‘just won’t stop running’)
33. That’s what they think of us, lads. (The captain fuming because they’ve been waiting alone on the field for 20 seconds)
