Say hello to your sofa because there is a truly epic weekend of sporting action ahead
There is A LOT of sport on television this weekend. A LOT. We know what you're thinking: 'How will I fit it all in? How will I know what to watch?'
But fear not because we've got your back.
First of all, the necessities: Obviously you will need to tell your family and loved ones to get lost and you will need a phone charger handy. You will also need a reasonable selection of takeaway menus. And most importantly of all you will need your television remote control. This is your closest friend and ally for the next three days.
That's all you need to do. We've taken care of the rest of decision making for you. So here goes. Godspeed...
Leave work early – you'll need to rest up for the weekend ahead. Tell your boss we said it was fine. It'll be grand.
Manchester United v Southampton
6:30pm - 10.45pm (KO 8pm), Sky Sports 1.
It's live Friday night Premier League football, folks. Jose Mourinho's first (competitive) game as Manchester United manager at Old Trafford, should also be Paul Pogba's (second debut) and a chance to see Zlatan Ibrahimovic strut his stuff in front of his home fans after his debut goal at Bournemouth last weekend.
Your best chance to eat for the next 12 hours or so would be in the hour before kick off or else order a takeaway at the 15-minute mark and hope it pitches up in the half-time interval.
10pm - 11pm
You have some choices here. The big men's 57kg freestyle wrestling semi-finals and final that everyone's been talking about are on so you could watch them and try and figure out what the hell is going on.
Or else you could check out Sky Sports' new FNF post-match show with Rachel Riley and Jeff Stelling. That starts at 10.45pm, immediately after the match coverage ends.
UFC 202 weigh-in
11pm, UFC YouTube
Get in the mood for UFC 202 with some top, top posturing and 'just let me at him' antics from Conor McGregor and Nate Diaz.
They'll have already taken to the scales officially and neither are expected to miss weight but God help any bottles of water that are within arm's reach.
No beverage was safe https://t.co/rPKXU9HJRM
— SportsJOE (@SportsJOEdotie) August 18, 2016
RTE 2, BBC 1.
If you haven't had your fill of sporting action yet, the Olympic coverage goes straight through until the wee hours, with the men's 4 x 100m relay at 2:35am the pick of the action.
Usain Bolt will be going for his third gold medal of the Games, his ninth in total in what will be his final Olympic race ever. It's worth staying up a bit late to for the chance to see history made, and for the inevitable cock-ups when teams attempt to pass the baton...
And sure while you're up you may as well see the action through to its conclusion at 4am.
Australia v New Zealand, Rugby Championship
10:30am – 1:30pm, Sky Sports 3.
We've allowed you a but of lie in but it's take to get up, down a large coffee and sit back down again as the Southern Hemisphere’s best go head-to-head in Sydney, it gets underway at 11:05am Irish time.
St Johnstone v Celtic, SPL
11:30am – 2:30pm, BT Sport 1.
Brendan Rodgers is putting together an exciting Celtic side and there should be a few goals in this.
12pm, Sky Sports News HQ
They never go home, those lads.
Stoke City v Manchester City
12:30pm, Sky Sports 1.
Can Pep Guardiola cut it on an August afternoon at the
Britannia bet365 Stadium?
BT Sport Score
2:00pm – 4:30pm, BT Sport 1
For those of you missing your fix of Robbie Savage, this is the perfect show for you…
Burnley v Liverpool,
3pm, Sky Sports 5.
Jurgen Klopp’s side travel to Turf Moor, Jamie Carragher makes his co-commentary debut and Liverpool fans will be hoping to see their side put a few past the newly promoted side.
Roma v Udinese
4.55pm, eir Sport 1
The 3pm kick offs are done and dusted and you can consider that yet another thing off your To Do list. Switch your attention to the first game of the Serie A season. Roma have made a host of new signings this summer, with highly rated Brazilian Gerson probably the pick of the bunch. They're certainly worth keeping at least one eye on as you weight up your options for the remainder of the evening.
Leicester City v Arsenal
5:30pm, BT Sport 1.
As exciting as Roma v Udinese undoubtedly will be this has the makings of a classic. Arsenal won this fixture 5-2 last season, Alexis Sanchez got a hat-trick and everyone thought that would be the end of Leicester. After shipping four goals to Liverpool last weekend, Arsenal fans will be baying for Arsene Wenger's head if they lose to the champions. There should be plenty of goals in what could be the game of the weekend.
Juventus v Fiorentina
7.30pm, BT Sport 2
How will Juventus cope without Paul Pogba, I hear you ask. Will Gonzalo Higuain, Miralem Pjanic and Dani Alves settle in. Well now is your chance, Goddammit. This should be a cracker.
8pm – 12pm, RTE 2, RTE News Now, BBC 1 and BBC 4.
By the standards of a normal sporting weekend, these hours would count as a lull in which you can eat/spend time with family and friends and/or move from your couch and interact with the world.
However, there’s continuous Olympic coverage on RTE 2, RTE News Now, BBC 1 and BBC 4.
(Brazil) are competing in the Men’s football gold medal match against () at 9:30pm. Brazil lost the gold medal game to Mexico in London four years ago, and, after the collapse in the World Cup two years ago, the pressure will intense on Neymar and the lads not to mess up again.
If you’d rather some good old fashioned
club franchise football, Robbie Keane and Steven Gerrard are up against Frank Lampard and Andrea Pirlo as LA Galaxy take on New York City on Sky Sports 5 at 8:30pm.
If you still haven’t had your fill of football, Match of the Day gets underway on BBC 1 at 10:30pm.
12am – 3am, RTE 2, RTE News Now, BBC 1 and BBC 4.
The penultimate night of athletics at the Rio Olympics includes Mo Farah defending his 5,000m title at 1:35am.
However, we're sure your attention will be on the Octagon.
11.30pm - 6am, BT Sport 2
If you're keen on putting yourself into full Octagon mode, eir Sport 1 will be previewing all the action with the Bad Blood preview, as well as the most memorable bouts from the careers of both Conor McGregor and Nate Diaz throughout the evening.
It's not the most stacked card in the world but there are some top quality fights peppered through UFC 202 which will be headlined by the grudge match between Diaz and McGregor.
The Fight Pass prelims get underway at 11.30pm Irish time and will be closed out by a top welterweight clash between Neil Magny and Lorenz Larkin.
At 1am, we'll get the prelims which will set the tone for the Stockton vs. SBG theme as McGregor's training partner Artem Lobov takes on Diaz's teammate Chris Avila before a cracking bantamweight match-up between Cody Garbrandt and Takeya Mizugaki.
The five-fight main card gets underway at 3am and the next contender at light heavyweight will be decided when Anthony Johnson meets Glover Teixeira before the lights dim to signal the entrances of McGregor and Diaz, who are expected in the Octagon for 5am.
6am – 12pm.
Sleep, you've earned it.
Premier League Super Sunday
12:30pm – 7pm, Sky Sports 1.
Sunderland v Middlesbrough (1:30pm) and West Ham v Bournemouth (4pm) isn’t the most eye-catching of football double headers, but fear not there are plenty of other options elsewhere...
Football, Football, Cricket, Football, Triathlon, Football
12.45pm - 9.45pm, eir Sport 1
If you're feeling a bit weary then you may just want to stick on eir Sport 1 in relax for the afternoon while our friends around Europe play football for your entertainment. First up is Guingamp v Marseille from Ligue 1. There's some goals and highlights of Pakistan v Ireland in the cricket, before it's time for Milan v Torino. The there's some triathlon action from Cardiff before Inter Milan face Chievo.
12.45 BT Sport 2
Round 11 of the Championship from the Czech Republic. Marc Marquez is top of the standings but Jorge Lorenzo and Valentino Rossi are waiting in the wings if he slips up.
Tipperary v Mayo
2:45pm – 5:45pm, RTE 1.
Can Tipp topple Aidan O'Shea and Co and stun the (GAA) world by reaching the All-Ireland final? The semi-final throws-in at 3:30. If Sunderland v Middlesbrough or Guingamp v Marseille doesn't float your boat then there's always the minor semi-final between Galway and Donegal at 1.30pm.
La Liga double-header
7pm – 11:15pm, Sky Sports 1.
Real Madrid get their season underway against Real Sociedad (KO 7:15pm), and Atletico Madrid play Alaves, (KO 9:15pm).
Golf's Wyndham Championship
8pm – 11pm, Sky Sports 4
The year’s final major might have been played and golf’s return to the Olympics might be over, but in no way has the golfing calendar reached its conclusion.
This week the PGA Tour makes its return to North Carolina for the Wyndham Championship, and with crucial FedEx Cup and Ryder Cup points on the line, this weekend is without doubt going to be one of the most dramatic of the season. The final PGA tour event of the season has taken the spotlight.
UFC 202 replay
11pm - 2am, BT Sport 2
If you couldn't be bothered to wait up until the wee hours or were out boozing and forgot to record the UFC 202 main card, fear not.
BT Sport will be replaying all the action on Sunday night which will be the perfect end to a cracking weekend of sporting action.
Olympics Closing Ceremony
11.15pm - 2.25am, RTE 2 & BBC 1
Officially this is a closing ceremony for the Rio Games but really it is a fitting sign-off to your epic weekend. Bask in the reflected glory of the fireworks and razzmatazz, you've earned it as much as any Olympian (even Michael Phelps).
Now go to bed. You've to be in work in about 10 minutes.