83 thoughts Olympic boxing judge had during Michael Conlan’s defeat

1. Boy, were those hotel pillows comfortable last night.
2. Five-star comfortable.
3. Once you took the complimentary mint off them.
4. Won’t make that mistake again, no sirree, no more chocolate hair for me.
5. Who is fighting here?
6. Other than the Russian, obviously.
7. I know all about Vladimir Nikitin, reckon he could go all the way.
8. Shit! I didn’t say that out loud, did I?
9. No, you’re alright. Those lads with the green, white and gold flags are making a right racket anyway.
10. Looking forward to some stunned silence and then some five-star hospitality.
11. Right, they are touching gloves. Time to get my game face on.
12. As in, pretend to be really concentrating on what is going on in the ring and making notes.
13. I miss the big buttons – simpler times.
14. Blue, red, blue, red, blue, red.
15. Or, in this case, blue, blue, blue, blue.
16. Ha!
17. Fuck, this Conlan lad can box.
18. Whose blood is that?
19. Oh shit.
20. At least some of the blood is getting on Conlan.
21. Stop fucking hitting him, Conlan!
22. Oh, I wish I was back in my comfy, comfy bed.
23. Nice one ref, step in there. Wipe the blood off Conlan’s face – how are we to know where it comes from?
24. Nikitin does not look like a champion.
25. But he definitely won that round.
26. 10-9. Nikitin.
27. They don’t like that.
28. What is a “shady langer”?
29. Guessing it is not a compliment.
30. Round 2…..
31. Hmmm?
32. …
33. …
34. Conlan. I think.
35. If I tell the corner man that will he stop glaring at me?
36. Maybe I’ll get room service tonight.
37. Bar might be a bit risky.
38. Thank god for this ref, keeps looking at Conlan as if he is hurt.
39. He is not hurt, he is hurting.
40. Hurting Nikitin.
41. Who will not stop bleeding.
42. Punch drunk Russian nearly fell on me!
43. Stay in the ring, Buddy, or you will make my job very difficult.
44. 10-9 Conlan.
45.  In fairness, he beat the living shit out of him.
46. Should I wave at the Irish corner?
47. Better not.
48. This is going to get worse before it gets better.
49. Comfy pillows, comfy pillows, comfy pillows.
50. Move Nikitin, move!
51. STOP GETTING PUNCHED IN THE FACE!
52. He looks like an extra from Game of Thrones.
53. A dead extra.
54. That’s filmed in Ireland, isn’t it?
55. Always wanted to sit on the Iron Throne.
56. Another dream dies.
57. I won’t be visiting Ireland after this.
58. I will be an outcast like the little dwarf fella.
59. Peter Dinklage.
60. He could beat this Russian.
61. But obviously this Russian will beat Conlan.
62. If he just manages to not die in the last 30 seconds.
63. Would the organisers stump for room service for rest of competition?
64. Could just stay in my room. With the pillows, a Game of Thrones boxset and some mints.
65. 10-9 Nikitin.
66. …
67. Oh wow, everyone is angry.
68. Except Nikitin.
69. But that poor bastard doesn’t know day of the week it is.
70. Is he sticking his fingers up at me?
71. How rude.
72. Taking his top off and haranguing the judges, no way to behave.
73. Why does he have the Olympic rings tattooed on his chest?
74. …
75. …
76. …
77. Oh.
78. I see.
79. …
80. …
81. I’ve heard the hotel rooms in Tokyo are tiny.
82. Should be okay.
83. As long as they have nice pillows.

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