Personality test: YOU get to choose Lionel Messi’s next club

Lionel Messi leaving Barcelona – could it finally happen?

For so long it has felt like an impossibility, but the burofax sent to Barcelona by Lionel Messi – the widely accepted greatest player of all time – means he could be on his way out of Camp Nou.

As much as even imaging the wondrous Argentine in another club’s colours seems incongruous, it is now as likely as ever.

But where would he go? Where should he go? We’ve used the latest algorithms or most advanced scientific data to help YOU decide on his destiny.

Choose well my friend – Messi’s very destiny is at stake…

You wake up in your mansion and fancy some breakfast. Which option do you choose?

You swan into a fancy restaurant and order everything on the menu

The same extravagant yet underwhelming breakfast you've had for years

Muesli and fruit. It's a slow burner so you'll have plenty of energy later

You um and ah for so long that you end up missing breakfast

You visit Heston Blumenthal's new restaurant and order a reconstructed boiled egg

McMuffin. It's cheap, you're in a rush, and all the food types are covered

Correct!

Wrong!

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You fancy listening to some music on the way to training. What banger are you going for?

Champagne Supernova - Oasis

99 Luftballons - Nena

Stand by Your Man - Tammy Wynette

The Debt I Owe - Lou Reed

A Milli - Lil’ Wayne

London Calling - The Clash

Correct!

Wrong!

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You decide to buy your lovely partner an impromptu gift. What do you get them?

You send an industrial sized skip to their greatest enemy

You promise to buy them a diamond ring but never do

A diamond ring, because you can only express your love through money

A diamond-encrusted thesis on why UEFA are corrupt

You swap a new thing for an old thing in a Turin pawn shop

You buy whatever Kia Joorabchian suggests you buy

Correct!

Wrong!

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On a whim, you decide to go for a haircut. What style do you ask for?

Just an expensive mess from top to bottom - as per usual

A cheap toupee to mask bigger problems underneath

Blonde highlights all over the shop. Shaved sides. Party boy special

Dear barber, are you familiar with a 'ketwig'?

Shave it all off. Completely bald.

Just the densest haircut possible. Pitch black. No scalp visible

Correct!

Wrong!

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You decide to wind down with a movie. What do you plump for?

Uncut Gems - the story of someone still pretending to be relevant whilst massively in debt

Parasite - Bong Joon-ho is a master at leading an ensemble to international glory

Titanic - you actually find disastrous situations strangely comforting

CATS - it's fun to watch expensive egos not quite gel

2001: A Space Odyssey - you think Kubrick is a genius who reinvented cinema

The entire Fast and Furious franchise - because gradual decline is what you're used to

Correct!

Wrong!

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You fancy some new additions to your wardrobe. Where are you buying your fresh garms?

UNIQLO - it's smart, modern and reasonably priced

Zara - it looks very nice but doesn't fit properly

Get your personal dresser to buy them - unlimited budget

eBay - buy snide fakes and pretend they're real

H&M - you're working on a strict budget and it does the job

Pretty Green, Fred Perry, Stone Island - spending lots of money to look mad for it

Correct!

Wrong!

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You've got various options for how to enjoy your evening. What do you choose?

Call Tories on the internet a 'nonce'

Argue with fans of your own club really loudly on YouTube

Go off and party in a castle somewhere with your teammates

Spend the night consumed in bickering and internal politics

Watch tapes of previous matches and analyse every last detail

Argue about whether it's a barm or muffin or ginnel

Correct!

Wrong!

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What's your favourite colour?

Red

Blue

White

Green

You decide to choose més que un colour

Correct!

Wrong!

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What is your greatest fear?

Your own fans embarrassing you on social media

Margaret Thatcher coming back as a zombie

Your president staying in power forever

The oil in Qatar running dry

Male pattern baldness

David de Gea's goalkeeping

Correct!

Wrong!

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