The five types of Cork GAA fan

Reardens Rebel

Why would they go to a game when they can just watch it in the heart of Cork city and have pints on hand too? And if they hang around long enough a few of the players might come in after, and they can tell them about about how they should have kicked that 45' over the bar instead of wide and tell the goalkeeper that he isn't a patch on Donal Óg. Not going to the game also means they have the added bonus of not accidentally coming into contact with anyone from Kerry or have to share oxygen with them.

Colour-blind

If it's not red then it's dead. Always guaranteed to have some shade of scarlet upon them every single day of their lives, match day is the day they get to do Sonia O'Sullivan, Christy Ring, Barry's Tea and Jack Lynch proud with a lusty rendition of the real national anthem, 'The Banks'. Even when a Cork player finds himself in an indefensible position,  it's always the other player's fault and the referee should know that. Supreme confidence every season is never punctured by yearly losses to Kerry, because they're 'due a win' after all. Those glory days of '89 and '90 can't be far away, can they? Their colour blindness means they simply cannot see green - unless of course they see a Kerry man retaliating, then they see it all. Except the very start of the incident.

Hardcore nut

They've been to every Cork ladies football game for the last 15 years. Valerie Mulcahy should be President and Anna Geary the Taoiseach. If the Cork U16s are playing in Buttevant or in Belfast, they'll be there. Someone has to make sure that the best supporters in Ireland are represented on the terraces. This Red Army need a cheerleader and this Rebel is there for them. They only drink Murphy's, Tanora is stocked up for the trip to Thurles or Killarney, and they don't trust anyone who does not understand what a 'beour' or 'feen' is. They know every Cork player that has played in a challenge game since 2001 and they have a key for every game that's ever been played behind closed doors. Frank Murphy is a close personal friend and Dr Con Murphy once gave their child a lolly which is now behind a glass case in their house. Just don't mention the strikes.

Behind enemy lines

You're driving down a country road in Kildare and suddenly you see a Cork flag with 'Corcaigh' hanging from a gate. There are Cork people everywhere and, despite being many miles from home, the most dangerous Rebel is one who is unseen or generally goes unnoticed. They may look like me or you but they are not. They will never truly accept their new surrounding and wash other 'foreign' jerseys in a separate wash from their beloved 'blood and bandages'. Living in Kerry, Tipperary or Limerick actually makes these fans even more 'Cork' than those by the River Lee. They are only truly at peace when on days of games they can meet other Cork people and share in the knowledge that no-one will really understand the beauty and simplicity of Charleville cheese or why Diarmuid O'Sullivan is the best full-back of all time. The savage loves his native shore and loves it even more when his native shore beats their adopted one.

In idols they trust 

John Fenton. Larry Tompkins. Alan O'Connor. Donal Og. Joe Deane. Christy Ring GAA mad parents in Cork don't get their children to pray to God at night. They pray to another three-letter deity instead. JBM. A man so important that his whole essence has been distilled down to three single letters. If Jimmy Barry-Murphy says so then everything will be alright. Cork fans are always looking for the next hero and their trust is always placed in the hero they need right now. Conor Lehane. Colm  O'Neill. A.N. Other. Why would you think anyone could do any better than what these men have been gifted with from the green fields of Cork? Don't pray to gods in the sky, pray to gods in a field with sticks or footballs. These are the real idols who will deliver glory to the county. And thou shalt not take their names in vein.