How to write the perfect GAA player statement

Retiring? Heartbroken? Having breakfast? Don't worry, we've got you covered.

The much-maligned idea of a GAA player releasing a statement and actually telling the world his/her thoughts has caught fire recently. Joe Brolly encapsulated Rob Hennelly's Instagram post following the All-Ireland final as "the sort of guff you might expect to hear on daytime TV." It was a tirade, the Derry man seemingly taking grave offence to the decision of footballers to fall in any way short of Stephen Cluxton's no-words, no-smile, no-fun approach to human behaviour after Dublin's 2011 success. On The GAA Hour, Colm Parkinson lambasted player statements too. All the while, we're crying about GAA players having no personality and not speaking with the media. Statements are the way forward. You control the information. You control the context. You control the timing. But do you have the right tone? Do you have the right amount of class and is your statement heartfelt enough? Fear not, here is the perfect formula. 1. Have a heavy heart. 2. Look somber. 3. But don't milk it. 4. Make sure you've given some service. 5. Like Benny Coulter. 6. Use a quote (Lord of the Rings where possible). https://twitter.com/EamonMcGee/status/762244065349865472?ref_src=twsrc%5Etfw 7. A metaphor is good. 8. If you think it's a young man's game, say so. 9. Looking reflective or like you have other plans is important. 10. Do not look at the camera. 11. Thank your family 12. Thank your coaches. 13. Thank the fans. 14. Thank your team mates, past and present. 15. Thank the young version of you for dreaming and believing. 16. Be thankful. 17. Wish the team well for next season. 18. Always be a fan. The GAA Hour podcast is out every Wednesday.Subscribe here on iTunes or listen on Soundcloud (if you want to).