32 things you’re bound to hear if you are getting ready to play GAA in 2018

We weren’t fit enough.

The universal diagnosis of every single GAA problem. Ever. Four words that are sure to solve all of your team’s woes; all your shooting deficiencies, your high ball terrors and your lack of goalkeepers. Just get fitter. There’s more than just the dreaded fitness rallying cry though which makes January hell for the club GAA player as teams up and down the country undergo four-and-a-half weeks of mad, crazy, insane running and conditioning work full of the most structured and organised fitness plans and team meetings about how we’re going to win a championship in 10 months’ time. Come February, games start and all the testing and measurements and grand physical plans are out the window as managers and coaches go about troubleshooting their problems on a game-by-game basis. And the guy you said wouldn’t make the team if he didn’t do the work in January is suddenly your best player and no-one gives two size fives about what went on that Sunday morning you found a hill for a “pre-planned” running session. There’s no getting away from it.  A piss season last year is down to fitness. A good season?  That’s down to fitness. The January fitness fad is truly an all-inconclusive affair (apart from the handful of teams who have actually got it right and are still playing from last season). Here are a few other trademark lines every club player is going to hear over the next few months 1. Team meeting next week. Anyone wishing to be part of the panel for 2017 MUST attend. 2. Anyone who didn’t attend yesterday’s meeting, make sure you’re there next week for fitness test. No excuses. 3. Anyone who still hasn’t completed fitness test yet must contact me immediately to arrange a suitable time to do so. 4. We have a fitness retest in two weeks’ time. Anyone not up to scratch with their targets won’t be involved in this year’s panel. Anyone still to complete their first test must attend Friday’s session. 5. This is Barry, he’s going to be taking stats from every game and session this year. 6. Lads, league starts in three weeks’ time. Let’s stay off the drink until then. (Policy relaxes as championship draws closer) 7. That was a tough, tough session. We need everyone on the protein. We want to be flying for our first game. 8. That was a tough, tough session. Championship is in two weeks. Have a few pints tonight, get it out of your system. 9. Lads, I don’t care who ye are, if you don’t train, you won’t play. 10. Where the feck’s Tommy? The bus man’s about to leave. Has anyone seen Tommy all week, lads?  Someone ring him. 11. This is Mary, she’s the new masseuse. Is anyone tight? (Queue forms) 12. We’ve got a nutritionist coming in next week. Make sure we’re all there. 13. We need five quid a man for our new video camera. Barry is going to be recording all of our games this year. 14. Folks, this is the best turnout we’ve ever had. Let’s keep this going right into the league. 15. What a piss turnout, lads. Where is everyone? This is a joke.  Everyone on the end line.  If you’re not going to show up to training, we’re going to do sprints. 16. Right, we’ve a lot to work on. Someone get the poles, ladders and the tackle bags. (“Will I get the footballs?") We don’t need the footballs today. 17. I don't want to see any more of this soccer tops bullshit.  Club colours only. 18. Do you see that? Do you bloody see that? Jimmy Murphy from the Independent thinks we’re going to finish 11^th.  11^th!  Let’s show him, lads.  Ram it down his throat. 19. We need a top 10 finish this year. 20. We weren't tuned in right for our warm-ups last season and you know it.  We've got a new one and I expect every man to be going 100 miles an hour for it.  Make sure you do the feckin' stretches right. 21. We’re starting early morning sessions. 6am. Let’s see who wants to win a championship. 22. Yoga tomorrow night. We’re leaving no stone unturned this year. 23. Good effort tonight. Remember, fitness session tomorrow morning, 6.30am sharp. (“It’s Saturday, why can’t we just go a bit later?”)  Because we’re a team. 24. First challenge match on Sunday. Video analysis session on Monday night after yoga. Masseuse will be there after video.  Anyone who still has to do their fitness test, let me know. 25. Has anyone seen the video camera? 26. Barry, tell them how many breaking balls we lost at the weekend. Tell them how many wides we kicked and tell them how many goal chances the other team had. Go on, tell them.  Line it up, we’re doing figure of eights until we get this right. 27. I don’t want any more excuses about training. We’re not asking a lot. The schedule was given to you in January.  Five nights a week.  Seven hours tops out of your lives.  If you don’t like it, you can go play Junior B. 28. Training as per usual this week. Yoga and video analyses with Barry on Monday. Masseuse there on Tuesday.  Everyone needs to attend.  Anyone involved with county this weekend are exempt from yoga on Monday. 29. Them boys are laughing at you. They’re saying you’re piss. They think you’re a crowd of whimps. 30. I don’t want to talk about them. Get your own job sorted. 31. Yoga cancelled this week. No masseuse on Tuesday. Has anyone seen Barry? 32. I don’t need to tell you what went wrong this season. You know yourselves... We weren’t fit enough.