An obscene £150,000-a-week for a one-paced, has-been mercenary who will be 35 years old in October.
In many ways, Zlatan Ibrahimovic's touted move from Paris Saint-Germain to Manchester United this summer seems typical of the Old Trafford club at present. An expensive 'marquee' signing whose acquisition would be on reputation alone and look very much like a desperate cry for relevance on the world stage.
'Pay attention to us! We may be a shadow of our former selves and once again absent from club football's most prestigious tournament, but we still matter godammit! Hark at our lunchbox-friendly new superstar!'
On the surface, the Swede may seem like another relic of the noughties, a la Schweinsteiger and Falcao, to look good on promotional materials and pre-season posters. But in a strange way the proposed move from Paris to Manchester makes a lot of backwards sense. Here's a point-by-point case for why it's not quite as daft as it sounds...
Won't someone think of the children, part 1
One very faint silver lining to United's distinctly cloudy season was the emergence of a number of academy players into the first-team fold. It may have been out of sheer necessity, but at the very least Louis van Gaal managed to blood some talented youngsters. The fear is that signing Ibrahimovic would reverse that trend.
However, a strong argument can be made to the contrary. Signing a striker in the 24-28 bracket would be far more threatening to their long-term progress than a veteran Zlatan. He can take some pressure off them without being a like-for-like replacement, as well as the ideal stop gap whilst they develop.
He's an arrogant mercenary
Ibrahimovic is nothing if not supremely confident. His assertion that he arrived at PSG a king and will leave them a legend is typical of his absolute conceit and unbound ego. There are fears that he could deem himself 'bigger than the club' were he to waltz into United to simply kick back and count his wages.
But worries about complacency miss the point. He has been a winner at every stop and his ego doesn't allow mediocrity - from himself or others. Comparisons to Eric Cantona are very convenient and somewhat forced, but United do currently lack swagger and arrogance. They wouldn't with Zlatan around.
He'll slow United down
Zlatan is indeed 34 going on 35, but in a sense that was always the case. He was neither particularly rapid a decade ago, nor is he especially snail-like today. Every player loses a yard, but it's about how you adapt to new physical parameters. The Swede always leveraged his strength, and if anything he's now stronger.
As for slowing United down, have you watched them lately? The likes of Anthony Martial, Jesse Lingard and Marcus Rashford all scurry about with tenacious haste, but the attack often lack a focal point or any real stickability. Ibrahimovic can be be the magnificent hub around which the spokes fly.
Won't someone think of the children, part 2
Talking about 'physicality', Zlatan's career is punctuated with barely legal acts of...intimidation. Often directed towards the opposition, but sometimes his own teammates, the 6ft 5in blackbelt in taekwondo likes to 'introduce' himself to others. That's to say he is no stranger to a bit of the old ultra-violence.
This is of course frowned upon by sanctimonious pundits, but let's face it, the fans fucking love it. Van Gaal has fashioned a side that is far too meek and lacking in character. Of course there's Marouane Fellaini, but his trods and elbows are so uncouth. Zlatan is a sharp dagger to the Belgian's blunt instrument.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=K7gyhiRGG40
Reaper of the grim
On a related note, perhaps the biggest reason why the United faithful should hope and pray that the ego does land is what it could signify for the future of others. Fellaini would surely become instantly redundant, replaced by a Fellaini who actually does football good. The same could even be true of Wayne Rooney.
As for Van Gaal, the architect of all Old Trafford misery, there is surely no way that Ibrahimovic would ever again play under a coach he famously described as "a pompous arse" who "wanted to be a dictator, without a hint of a gleam in his eye." Jose Mourinho? That's a different matter entirely...
“Jose will be a success anywhere he coaches, that is just the man he is. I respect him because he says whatever he wants, but when you listen to him what he says is always right.
“Of course he is a coach that has much knowledge, but it is more than that, he also really cares. That is why players who play for him are ready to die for him. He cares, so you care.”
Jose on the touchline and Zlatan on the pitch? Perhaps that's exactly the kind of short sharp shock that Manchester United now need to shake off pretensions to the past and the deep funk of the present.
