We interpret Louis van Gaal’s glorious Manchester United awards speech

We hope he is having a lie-in this morning.

Louis van Gaal did the world a favour, last night, by bumping Raheem Sterling off the back pages, Twitter feeds and Sky Sports News [HQ]. The Manchester United boss, speaking at his club's end-of-season awards bash, pulled out one of the most memorable speeches since Fr. Fay summed up the priesthood, and why he should get a parachute, in 'Flight into Terror'. Manchester Evening News have the full transcript of the speech here, but we have decided to do the Dutchman a solid an interpret his florid soliloquy.

• Watch Van Gaal's speech in full
• Vine: Van Gaal gives Giggs an almighty slap

On his club's tough start We had a stinker, from August to October. After 10 games, we had 13 points and I was expecting the United fans to have my guts for garters. Instead, they gave me a standing ovation at Old Trafford. We have a phrase in The Netherlands for this: 'De jas hie de pauper past, is warm denoeg voor een konig'

TRANSLATION: The jacket that fits the pauper, is warm enough for a king.

On his team's attitude We had a LOT of injuries... seriously, Phil Jones was set for the glue factory at one stage, but the team showed amazing spirit. From the dank depths of 13th, we soared to third. On the season's turning point We got royally done by the Gooners but, after, Wazza addressed the boys. I could not understand a lot of what he said but he mentioned 'second'. He looked at me and I said, 'Feck it, why not?' We went on and romped six games in a row. On almost winning the league... almost Stay with me on this one. IF we had beaten Chelsea, as we deserved to, we could be sitting here tonight on 80 points. Chelsea would only be on 81 points. We would be gliding go into the final league game still in the hunt for the title. If, if, if... 80% possession against Chelsea. Chelsea! You know what I mean? I love an encore so watch our dust next season. On paying attention to the manager [Verbatim] I want to say something. Pay attention to the manager! On musical appreciation Listen up, we have a lass up here that kicked ass on the saxophone earlier. Give her some props. 'Sidewinders' We would not be surprised if van Gaal had relaxed by watching some Blazing Saddles and Gammy Johnson's famous speech before the ceremony: