How to write the classic anti-McGregor opinion piece

Channel your begrudgery into something destructive.

Are you a belligerent person? Have you run out of subjects to rant about? Are you struggling to find an outlet for all that inner rage? Are you weighing up the pros and cons of purchasing a firearm and going full D-Fens from Falling Down? Well, stall the ball, Pope John Paul. Instead of starting a violence spree, why not pursue that dream of becoming a troll and take aim at the real issue, an Irish athlete who's excelling in one of the fastest growing sports in the world? If you're unsure how to do so, not to worry, let us take you by the hand and guide you through writing the classic anti-Conor McGregor article. (N.B. This is clearly a piss-take and anyone is entitled to dislike MMA and/or Conor McGregor and express it... this is just how to come across as a shmuck while doing it.)

The sport

Before breaking down the man, you must first demonstrate your knowledge (or lack thereof) of his field. This is a very important part of the process as the validity of your arguments are dependent on having at the very least, a basic understanding of the sport.

Never hide your ignorance

First thing's first, don't let your lack of MMA knowledge get in the way of chiming in. Perhaps you've only seen a fight or two, a few minutes of highlights on YouTube, or maybe you haven't seen even a second of a proper fight. Regardless of how much exposure you've had to it, it's important to hammer home the point that it's not a real sport.

Research optional

Looking things up is never necessary. The time spent formulating a well-supported argument only takes away from valuable complaining time. Do they still allow headbutts and fishhooks in the UFC? Probably. It's banned in so many states in the US, right? Most of them, if memory serves. Did they ever allow eye-gouging? As far as you know, yes, yes they did.

Use archaic buzz-terms

"This cagefighting nonsense is just human cockfighting," would be a good phrase to throw in. It's always good to call into question the fan's intelligence and mental stability for finding such "brutality" and "mindless violence" entertaining. Boxing's a better sport anyway, way safer.

The man himself

Let's not forget why we're doing this. Bashing a sport that encourages traditional values such as respect, integrity and honour is all well and good, but let's not lose focus on the main objective here. Giving out about Conor McGregor.

Fail to mention his achievements in the sport

Who cares about his athletic ability? In fact, it would be far better if your readers didn't even know he was a mixed martial artist after reading your piece.

Only focus on the negatives

"Forgive and you will be forgiven"... who said that? Some idiot, probably. You know what's unforgivable? That tweet McGregor sent four years ago that he's since apologised for. Let's bring that back to light again to support your argument. Everyone knows a leopard can't change his spots and Jean Valjean will always be a bread-stealing thug.

Go through everything he's ever said with fine-tooth comb

And blow the more colourful quotes way out of proportion. Everyone knows that the metaphor died along with W.B. Yeats (it's with O'Leary in the grave) and everything that's ever been uttered out loud should always be taken in a literal sense. Remember when McGregor threatened to go over to Brazil and murder women and children? Why weren't Interpol all over that?

Make the inevitable comparisons

You should contest that his antics would be better suited to the WWE. Professional wrestling may be a fake sport, but it's a 'realer' fake sport than MMA. Also, who does he think he is, Muhammad Ali? He's always going on about how he's like Ali, isn't he? There's absolutely no one else trying to make that comparison. It's all Conor. How dare he! He could only hope to compete in a real sport such as boxing.

Claim he's not a representation of real Ireland

Everyone knows are little island is split into two. There's 'real Ireland' and that other part of the country who the media are lying to us about. Conor McGregor's not an Irish athlete. Irish athletes are humble, they don't make bold predictions and they don't try to market themselves by talking smack about their opponent. That's the type of no-goodnik that comes from that gritty, unsightly fake Ireland that we hide in the spare room when we have guests over. Congratulations! If you've followed our steps, you've made it. Now hit send and share on every social media platform from Bebo to Twitter. The little guy's voice will be heard.