1. The player who’s giving it a real go this year
He’s in the shape of his life – to use his own words – so he’s only having a few and looking for constant reassurance that he’s playing well.
2. The number 11 jersey-wearer
Probably bought from the Jordanstown Students’ Union shop or taken from Northumbria University or somewhere like that, but he has a wide range of player-fit knitwear – numbered knitwear of course – as the perfect conversation-starter.
Actual picture of Dyl Terry tonight on his first night in ponsa trying to choose what gaa jersey to wear pic.twitter.com/TElrkKer20
— Andy Bartley (@AndyBartley74) June 27, 2015
3. The guy who goes too far
Nothing is off limits for this person. No player is safe from his tongue – all those private jokes come out this weekend. If someone breaks a glass, he’ll break a window. Most likely to incur a communal fine for the whole group to pay.
4. The boy no-one likes
He’s probably invited himself along or is a relative of the stag. Annoying all the same.
5. The hard man
Will inexplicably start a fight with an unsuspecting by-stander in the pub. Will get dragged out, twice, while showing that he isn’t backing down, kick a fence outside in blind rage and storm off with imaginary televisions beneath both arms.
6. The silent team player who just get on with it
His expert stag move is the Houdini. The classic Irish goodbye. Comes out of his shell on the stag but is struck with a sudden sense of self-awareness and guilt before disappearing into the night without a word warning to his fellow team mates. Might show up at five in the morning, might already be long since home in bed. Might never be seen for the rest of the weekend.
7. The captain
Quickly transforms into the organiser. Everyone’s thankful for him because no-one else is bothering their arse but then of course he’s the most annoying man on the planet because he’s trying to get you to leave the pub to show up for activities that you’ve already signed and paid up for.
8. The guy who controls the Jaffa Cakes
Controls the beer vouchers this weekend though. And they usually only appear when half of the group is somewhere else. Like the Jaffa Cakes.
9. The guy looking for a rise in the dressing room
For no other reason but kicks. He’s the innocent perpetrator on this trip and starts most of the badness and takes a safe step back before anyone can pin the blame on him. Usually holding his drink better than others and egging the rest on.
10. The wrist tape guy
You know him, he wears the tape for no reason. It just looks cool. That’s quickly turned into a permanent pair of sunglasses for the stag weekend. Yes, it’s raining and, yes, you’re indoors but he hasn’t come on a stag do to not wear sunglasses.
11. The guy reporting back to his girlfriend
Always on the phone right up until the manager tells him to ‘put it f**k away’. He’s got a clear job this weekend to update the gossip column and to check in on the hour to prove he’s not up to any badness.
12. The one taking selfies
A camera phone is not cool. Not in the changing room and definitely not on a stag weekend.
13. The centre of attention
Manages to steal the limelight from the stag himself. His domination of the changing room is now extended to a whole new town.
14. The boy who talks about fights no-one else saw him in
We must’ve missed it. Now he keeps telling you how mad and how drunk he’s going to get this weekend. Spends more time talking about being mad than actually being mad.
15. The sleeper
Team bus, stag bus. He’s the gift that keeps on giving.
16. The guy who won’t stop talking about the game
Some people just can’t get enough of a good postmortem.
17. The boy with the toiletries
The Casanova. Spends the longest in the shower but he’s back it up. He’s no bullshitter. He delivers on his talk. Probably hits the free kicks from the ground.
18. The boy with the cheap toiletries
The wannabe Casanova. Trying to convince himself that talking to two girls at once makes him a player when we all know he isn’t going to pull two girls at once. Talks a Lionel Messi game. Plays a Tom Cleverley game.
19. The cynical retired player
Still very much part of the club but isn’t happy with the manager. He’ll be back next year.
20. The manager
Has a sobering effect on most of the players – except the guy who goes too far who will most likely be doing impressions of him. Will generally use the time to convince flight-risks that he will get them a job at home.
21. The county star
Probably arrived late because he had county training. Probably bang on time, as game as anyone and didn’t even say a word. Either way, he’s getting brought down to size for thinking he’s a county star.
22. The county wannabe
When you’re asked, ‘do you play county?’ It really is make or break. Sometimes you just have no other option. The number 11 jersey-wearer is usually best equipped to bullshit his way through this one.
23. The stag
Has anyone seen him?
