Going to football matches is one of the best ways to spend a Saturday
There’s nothing quite like the buzz of waking up on a match day, knowing you’re going to watch your team that afternoon. The whole ritual is unbeatable. Making a huge breakfast, getting your shirt out, sinking pints in a pub local on the way to the ground, all surrounded by fans of your team. Perfect.
Arguably the best part of the whole experience is vocalising your support for your club through chants. Singing in a large group of like-minded people is an incredible thing. Nothing can quite replicate it, especially when the chants are good. Little can beat, for instance, the atmosphere generated at Anfield on a European night when Liverpool fans sing Allez Allez Allez.
However, and this is important, many football chants are terrible. Like, really bad. At best, they lack originality, at worst, they are unashamedly false.
I will now rank the worst five football chants sung around football grounds in the UK. Strap in.
5. “We’re by far the best team… the world has ever seen…”
Right, firstly, you’re not. Only Barcelona’s 2010/11 side can truly sing that with genuine sincerity, but they wouldn’t because the translated version would have too many syllables. Secondly, even when sung tongue-in-cheekly, it is not even kind on the ear. It’s so slow and monotonous that the lack of enthusiasm is audible. People only sing it out of obligation, let’s bin it off.
4. “Stand up, if you hate ____”
We all have a rival team, we all hate them. That’s just a fundamental part of football. You’re not special for hating Tottenham, or Man U, plenty of people do. But perhaps the worst element of this chant is that it spreads this sense of obligation to stand because if you don’t, you can’t be a real fan as you don’t hate your rivals. Look, mate, I just can’t be bothered to stand up for ten seconds, only to immediately sit down again because we’ve all realised that this chant has a lifespan of about two renditions before it dies on its arse.
3. “Chelsea, Chelsea CHELSEA, Chelsea Chelsea Chelseaaaaa Chelsea…”
Possibly the laziest chant of them all, this. Musically, it lacks any sort of creativity. Lyrically, ditto. It absolutely reeks of the prawn sandwich brigade in the middle tier joining in on the singing because they only have to learn one word: the name of the club. The same applies to the Arsenal rendition, which isn’t quite as terrible but is still bad. There are minor differences in the intonation of each version but the basis of both is the same: dull, repetitive and unoriginal.
2. “We forgot that you were here”
The penultimate chant on my hit list is this self-aggrandising lie. Obviously it’s hyperbolic and not literal, otherwise, I’d seriously worry about the wellbeing of most football fans, but it’s not even a funny lie. Well done, you’re at a 12:30 kick off and you’re out-singing a home crowd, half of whom are still nursing a hangover. Congratulations, in your concentrated section of dedicated supporters, you have managed to make more noise than your opposing fans, who are more widely dispersed around the stadium. It’s not that difficult.
1. “Your support is fucking shit”
There’s a lot to get through with this one, so bear with me. First off, just like with the aforementioned “we forgot that you were here” chant, it’s a bragging without the right to. Yes, often home support is “fucking shit.” Extortionate ticket prices and rules that force fans to sit down at all times and the lack of dedicated singing sections in home ends have led to home atmospheres being heavily sanitised. Many sets of away fans don’t seem to realise the advantage they have in generating an atmosphere.
Furthermore, the chant’s utter lack of innovation renders it counterproductive. It is so devoid of any originality, that if you sing it, it’s actually your support that is “fucking shit.”
As a nation, we can do better than these chants. The sooner they are cast to the metaphorical bin, the better.
#RantOver
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