All the most ridiculous transfer deadline day rumours as they happen in the one place

As Deadline Day Godfather Jim White would put it, hold onto your hats folks because the clock is ticking.

We've already predicted an hour-by-hour account of the whole rigmarole of this day and how it will play out, but now that it's here and the rumour mill is in full flow, we're keeping on top of things as they happen (or as they're supposed to have happened anyway). From random footballers pumping gas off the M1, wondering into estate agents in the middle of the town and a friend of a friend of a friend who has a cousin working in the canteen of a training ground somewhere in England, it's all go today. So we're bringing you the rumours - however ridiculous - as they happen. Straight off the bat, there's a Premier League return on the cards for a certain Uruguayan attacker. https://twitter.com/IamTils/status/562151777739755520 A couple of international superstars have been dining in England this morning. https://twitter.com/roygrizzle/status/562152232037404672 https://twitter.com/PauliePooBum/status/562154204341764096 Liverpool are about to lose a player and unfortunately it doesn't look to be Balotelli yet. https://twitter.com/DBoden512/status/562174195866800128 Andy Carroll has sparked talk of a move to Celtic from West Ham after showing up in Glasgow - allegedly. https://twitter.com/officialchalker/status/562178690516549632 City and United set to battle for Wesley Sneijder before the 11pm deadline. https://twitter.com/Jamafrika/status/562179583915864064 Wilfried Zaha was expected to sign permanently for Palace today but 'reliable sources' suggests otherwise. https://twitter.com/ellisleeBC/status/562183252593889281 There are few big names pondering a comeback by the looks of things. https://twitter.com/DavidMakey/status/562184049322897408 We had predicted Ronaldo to Rochdale, but Messi to Bury looks even more likely right now.

Just seen Messi at M65 services ... He tells me Bury made him "An offer he couldn't refuse" #deadlineday — LFCMav⭐️JFT96 (@Koptin) February 2, 2015

Poor John Obi Mikel could be dropping from the top of the Premier League to the Conference North within the hour. https://twitter.com/TasteMyChowder/status/562188175414931456 Liverpool are about to enter another Konoplyanka deadline day saga. https://twitter.com/ChalkonBoots/status/562198454018244608 Seb Veron always did things at his own pace. https://twitter.com/olibroom/status/562198550206238720 Jermaine Defoe is in for a fight for his place at the Stadium of Light. https://twitter.com/AliTheRedeemer/status/562199860162871296 Sources in Cork are keeping us posted on the big story. https://twitter.com/odonoghuejames/status/562201199928434688 But there may be substance to James' reports. A round trip to Germany would only take 40 minutes, right? https://twitter.com/TomDanOracles/status/562211362613788672 https://twitter.com/alexp_mufc9/status/562211703925276672 A Football Manager legend could be set to come out of retirement if the rumours are true. https://twitter.com/Luke_Fletcher_/status/562200391996411904 But his compatriot won't be outdone. Also a return for a Dutch superstar? https://twitter.com/mcghee1984/status/562205445801377793 Well, we predicted Bale to United rumours and we got them. https://twitter.com/RobDavies_7/status/562231477979860992 And there's another Real Madrid man in the north west of England. https://twitter.com/ChalkonBoots/status/562231853445574658 Ronald Koeman is keeping it Dutch. https://twitter.com/matt25horner/status/562238174261280768 Lad. https://twitter.com/RobGWarren/status/562240043281301504 A new role for Nicklas Bendtner... https://twitter.com/Howgozza/status/562240436069490688 Middlesbrough beating Arsenal to the post. https://twitter.com/wembleypilgrim/status/562242171697639424 Villa turning to an Irish man to solve their scoring problems. https://twitter.com/RyanPJKiernan/status/562249271991627776 It seems Spurs are just trying to offload Aaron Lennon anywhere. https://twitter.com/JoeHumphriesUK/status/562249471917309952 Ali Dia returns on Groundhog Day. https://twitter.com/drewskimalone/status/562264494315798529 Salas is finally completing that United move and the main man is back. https://twitter.com/Lendog1984/status/562268796459962368 Villa fans united in prayer. United fans seal up the gateways. https://twitter.com/NowUnited/status/562277401908887553 Can he do it on a cold night at the Britannia? https://twitter.com/KeelanYe/status/562277644876935169 Rangers losing player instead of recruiting them apparently. https://twitter.com/shangambling/status/562280600200306689