Seven walk in (Nick Williams saunters along 15 minutes late after arriving back late from New Zealand) but only one will survive…
Due to the enormous baths at the Aviva Stadium, dressing-room battering Aussies and the increasing cost of water, the IRFU have been forced to set up their version of the ‘Hunger Games’ with tributes from all four Irish provinces doing battle in a fight to the death over a Johnny Sexton-sized four-year contract.
To survive in the Hunger Games you have to be the smartest and most cunning of them all but unfortunately Bertie Ahern never played rugby – it is not listed on his real or imaginary CVs – so he can’t enter!
It’s up to the eight brave men to represent their provinces in what will be their greatest test. The setting is that semi-ghost estate in Galway where TV3 filmed the short-lived dramedy Deception.
We look at whom each interprovincial set-up might send to what would surely be the biggest TV event since Mickey Joe romped home in You’re a Star 2003.
Munster
Paul O’Connell and Peter O Mahony
One look from Paulie’s death-stare and this Hunger Games could be over within minutes.
The older of the two tributes – and the only volunteer tribute of the games – has fought in harder places than a ghost estate and we think he could go all Arnie in ‘Predator’ with body paint and booby traps to take anyone and everyone down.
O’Mahony isn’t afraid of anyone and his special skill of ripping men apart at the seams makes this duo the early favourites.
Leinster
Ian Madigan and Jamie Heaslip
Let’s face it, Madigan looks like he should be in the Hunger Games. He’s got the glacial eyes, jiffy hairstyle and the killer instinct too.
Madigan’s sharp-shooting skills means his deadly weapon will be to knock his competitors unconscious through booting pigskin at their opponent’s skulls from long distance.
Heaslip is an unstoppable machine that never gives up and just keeps going – a Nissan Micra made human. In the wastelands of the ghost estate the son of Brigadier General Richard Heaslip won’t be stopped by unfinished sewerage system, potholes in the road or rabid dogs that are all rib cage, foaming mouths and menacing whines.
The arguments about who gets to use the hair-gel first could be this partnership’s downfall.
Ulster
Tommy Bowe and Nick Williams
The Ulster partnership seem to have the right balance of good looks and speed along with physical power and conservation of energy for when it’s needed most.
Tommy’s lightning pace will help him get away from trouble and he can also capitalise on his matinee idol visage to charm the other contests while also spiking them with a big arrow in the kidneys when required. Williams’ go-to weapon is hurtling Darren Cave (pictured in purple below) into a leg-skittling spin cycle.
Nick is an outdoors type and favours not running over running because he’s well able to handle himself in a fight. He may have and will have to throw down on his lonesome against the Munster duo as Tommy won’t want to get his face smashed by POM/POC fist sandwich.
Connacht
John Muldoon and Mils Muliaina
Mils is a man who looks like he has seen a few things in his life and it’s that experience of the dark side that makes his partnership with John ‘Viking’ Muldoon so exciting.
Muliaina is another wily Kiwi to bring outdoors, woodsman skills to the Hunger Games. An ability to light a fire without the use of a ton of firelighters and briquettes from the local supermarket could be crucial.
Muldoon has the local knowledge to bring to bare in this year’s Games and if any sheep have the misfortune to come across this man it will be MulDOOM for the poor creature.
Some of those unlucky to miss out for roles in this year’s Hunger Games include goal-kicking Grand Slam star Niamh Briggs as heroic leading lady Katniss Everdeen, the dashingly fringed Kieran Marmion as Peeta Mellark and cerebral beard-wearer Gordon D’Arcy as Plutarch Heavensbee (played wonderfully by Phillip Seymour Hoffman). Francois Trinh Duc plays District Male 7 (one of the unfortunates that kick the bucket after the Day One bloodbath).
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