Oh, to be a fly on the wall of Chez Willett when Danny the Champion of Augusta next sees his big brother, Jonathan Swift. Sorry, PJ.
Like the rest of Team Europe Danny did not have a great time of it in Hazeltine. There were no points and lots of abuse for the Masters champion as Europe went down 17-11 to their hosts.
Willett did not sugarcoat it when asked to assess his first experience
Brutal honesty from @Danny_Willett in the post @RyderCupEurope presser. #RyderCup #TeamEurope #GoUSA pic.twitter.com/6hTXwCzMZ4
— Richard Maspero (@richardmaspero) October 3, 2016
Of course, as much as Willett will be disappointed that he did not contribute to an unprecedented fourth straight European win, he will be more upset that he was a magnet for three days of vile abuse from partisan fans because of his brother.
His big brother PJ, who wrote a column about vile-spewing, partisan fans.
“They need to silence the pudgy, basement-dwelling, irritants, stuffed on cookie dough and pissy beer, pausing between mouthfuls of hotdog so they can scream ‘Baba booey’ until their jelly faces turn red.
“They need to stun the angry, unwashed, Make America Great Again swarm, desperately gripping their concealed-carry compensators and belting out a mini-erection inducing ‘mashed potato,’ hoping to impress their cousin.
“They need to smash the obnoxious dads, with their shiny teeth, Lego man hair, medicated ex-wives, and resentful children. Squeezed into their cargo shorts and boating shoes, they’ll bellow ‘get in the hole’ whilst high-fiving all the other members of the Dentists’ Big Game Hunt Society.”
Life imitating art and all that. But just how much of Willett’s nasty, xenophobic prediction came to pass? Because, god knows, the European players failed to “silence” the home fans.
We’ll take it nasty phrase by nasty phrase…
Pudgy, basement-dwelling irritants…
We all know the types… Weird, insular, isolated loners. Making explosives in their shacks.
However, once you get them out on the course, these guys can be the life and soul of the party.
#RyderCup superfan Bill Murray starts an ‘America!’ chant at the first tee! #GoUSA pic.twitter.com/KInKsbVy06
— PGA.COM (@PGAcom) October 2, 2016
Accuracy: U! S! C- (We all gotta live somewhere)
Pissy Beer…
Rory McIlroy on whether the Ryder Cup should cut off alcohol sales to the spectators: "No, I think they're alright with their pissy beer."
— Jason Sobel (@JasonSobelGolf) October 2, 2016
The Europeans were drinking too, but they were going for something a little darker.
If you're looking for the Euro fans, they're all in the beer garden. #RyderCup pic.twitter.com/vI2KG2YtDD
— Take156 (@Take_156) September 30, 2016
Any idea how much a Guinness costs at Hazeltine? $$$$$$
U! S! B+ (It is a national scourge)
Mouthfuls of hotdog…
People have got to eat. We saw no one spitting breadcrumbs and badger-sausage on any of the golfers. But we can confirm hot dogs were on sale.
Accuracy: U! S! D+ (Impeccable table manners)
Scream ‘Baba booey’…
Now, in their defence. It wasn’t constant. Just every time someone hit a drive.
@sternshow #BabaBooey I put on the Ryder Cup at the perfect time pic.twitter.com/dzwikFNyn9
— thewoodpile (@the_wood_pile) October 1, 2016
“Baba booey” pic.twitter.com/TCG8Krw9sI
— Will Tiller (@willtiller_17) September 29, 2016
Accuracy: U! S! A+ (A scourge of the links)
Jelly faces turn red…
Check out these red faces! What do you mean they are not American. British, really? Still supporting Europe after that whole Brexit thing? The weekend’s events won’t make them any more likely to stay I suppose… They’re taking Lee Westwood, yeah?
Accuracy: U! S! D- (We all get flustered/sun-burned)
The angry, unwashed, Make America Great Again swarm…
Heckler just told Rory to “suck a dick” and him coming up short was why Wozniacki “left his ass”?#RyderCup pic.twitter.com/uBU72xPoGt
— NateTheGreat (@NatE_AndersoN22) October 1, 2016
Stay classy, buddy. Why the rage? What is it about McIlroy that annoyed you so much. Was it the $11.5million cheque in his back pocket?
Accuracy: U! S! A+ (Unseemly, if there are not 40,000 others shouting with you)
Gripping their concealed-carry compensators
You may not be able to bring a gun into the Ryder Cup (VOTE TRUMP 2016!!!!!) but it seems someone was doing the next best thing.
https://twitter.com/JenR_Gil/status/782630906439794689
https://twitter.com/rmarley4/status/782626371826749441
https://twitter.com/Jubleee/status/782626780150661122
No pictures unfortunately, but we can only assume such a deranged individual was out to hunt a bald eagle,
Accuracy: U! S! D+ (Don’t be tempting fate)
Belting out a mini-erection inducing ‘mashed potato’…
Old footage, because people don’t even bother sharing these stellar examples of wit on social media anymore. Sad, really. It happened though, like Boyzone’s last album. Just because nobody bothered talking about it, doesn’t make it non-existent.
Accuracy: U! S! A- (Yawn)
Hoping to impress their cousin
Cheap shot by Willett, this one. A cruel stereotype thrown at Americans. Rickie Fowler, above, brilliantly proves that, if you don’t have anyone appropriate to kiss, it is cool to just shrug your shoulders and smirk at the cameras. The guy is worth over $12m, he won’t be long waiting for someone to kiss, even with those ludicrous orange baseball caps.
Accuracy: U! S! F (Incest is not best, nor are insinuations)
The obnoxious dads, with their shiny teeth, Lego man hair…
Wearing a cap so can’t vouch for his hair. Teeth pretty shiny, not sure he is a dad. However he did admit himself he was “obnoxiously” heckling Henrik Stenson.
Has the @rydercup started already?????? pic.twitter.com/s6EImcbnZv
— Rory McIlroy (@McIlroyRory) September 29, 2016
At least he backed it up. In fairness.
Accuracy: U! S! B+ (The highlight of Europe’s weekend)
Squeezed into their cargo shorts and boating shoes…
Listen, PJ, golf courses are not exactly renowned for the sartorial elegance of their inhabitants.
Accuracy: U! S! C+ (A mixed bag of fashion disasters)
They’ll bellow ‘get in the hole’…
Might as well complain about the sky being European blue. It is less offensive than ‘Baba Booey’ and ‘Mashed Potato’, or are we just desensitised?
Accuracy: U! S! C- (The man is hardly Nostradamus)
Whilst high-fiving all the other members of the Dentists’ Big Game Hunt Society…
The bastards!
Accuracy: U! S! A+ (What next, making ashtrays out of Harambe’s hands?)
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