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27th Nov 2014

We create an alternative Irish government made up entirely of GAA players

Sorry Enda, you're out

Kevin McGillicuddy

Like Avengers Assemble but with pale-faced, freckly sorts in over-sized suits

The links between the GAA and the world of politics are long established with figures such as Jack Lynch, Sean Kelly, Jimmy Deenihan, Graham Geraghty and John O’Mahony all dabbling in the dark arts.

Recent weeks have seen various rumours as to what popular GAA figures could run in the next General Election (Anthony Daly we’re looking at you) so we’ve had a look at what an alternative government could look like if it was populated by just GAA legends.

Taoiseach: Jim McGuinness

General view of a Jim McGuinness sign 19/9/2014

We are unsure if Jim has any interest in Irish politics but it would be fair to say he would win a seat in Donegal without having to come back from his Celtic day-job for a campaign.

This man brought a whole county to fever-pitch with Jim-mania and created his own cult like following. Imagine what he could if handed the keys to Leinster House.

We just hope that we wouldn’t end up going all defensive and negative in our approach to world trade and launch fearsome counter-attacks on those who don’t agree with him.

Minister for Foreign Affairs: Pearce Hanley

Australia v Ireland - International Rules

Hanley is a man well travelled and well heeled. His knowledge of sunnier warmer climes that makes him an ideal candidate to take over as the Minister for meeting other guys from other countries who speak other languages not called English.

His neutral Mayo tones crossed with a bit of Australian will give him an exotic feel at cabinet. A likely candidate for tricky appearances on Six One.

Minster for Defence: JJ Delaney

The Irish sporting government needs a strong man who will not let anything pass our lovely green shores undetected and who better than the best full back of a generation – the teak-tough JJ Delaney.

The man who Brian Cody trusted with minding the square for over a decade is the guy we think could mind our four green fields of Ireland from pesky foreign invaders.

He could also ask for some advice from well known army hurlers Paul Murphy and Bonner Maher on how to drive a tank or to grow a moustache like previous Minister Willie O’Dea.

JJ Delaney 4/8/2014

Minister for Health: Tony Browne 

If you’re going to tackle the Department of Health then the government need a man who is pretty much recognised as a modern medical marvel.

Tony Browne played hurling until he was 90 and still looks only just over 25 years of age. He was never injured, incredibly fit and despite hardly knowing what the inside of a hospital looks like he could be the man to solve our health crisis by making sure everyone does a 5k run before work at 7am, every single day.

Possibly the only downside would be we can’t call our Health Minister by his nickname – TB.

Minister(s) for Education: Stephen Cluxton and Michael Darragh MacAuley 

We’re plumping for a joint Ministership here with the two Dublin footballers putting their understanding on the pitch to good use off it.

The fact that both are teachers helps as well as their deep knowledge of the four-times-tables and ability to use a fancy whiteboard will make them seem like the most amazing thing to come into the Department of Education since they did away with marla as a way to keep kids quiet for 20 minutes.

Minister for Justice: Joe Brolly

Who better to dispense justice than the one-man judge, jury and executioner extraordinaire Joe Brolly.

He has the legal background, being a QC up north, and he would speed up the drawn out court process in no time with either a positive ‘aye’ or a negative ‘och’ determining whether you’re innocent or guilty.

Sean Cavanagh is also likely to be deported to some modern version of Craggy Island as public enemy number one under Mr Brolly’s reign.

Joe Brolly 22/3/2013

Minister for Food and Agriculture: John’The Bull’ Hayes

For this role we need a man who knows his way around a steak… and knows his way around the farm it came from.

Who better than John’The Bull’ Hayes who began his sporting life with his native Cappamore GAA before departing to play the oval ball with Bruff RFC to take the reigns at the ‘department of stuffing your face’.

John is a man who won’t take no bull in government (we think that should be his election poster) and the farmers will be delighted to see one of their own up in the Dáil. He  won’t even mind when they drive up to Dublin in all their Zetors blocking up the streets.

Minister for Arts and Gaeltacht: Sean Óg O’hAlpín

As Minster for Arts and the Gaeltacht Sean Óg O’hAlpín announces he is to set up a newly designated Gaeltacht in Fiji and that every Irish speaker in Kerry is to form part of the new colony.

The former hurler also announces that if you’re a Cork artist, poet or can even strum a guitar you can apply for loads of funding for government no questions asked because everyone knows Cork people are super talented and they just needs loads of government money to make a breakthrough.

Kerry is also banned from funding for anything unless it involves red paint and the word ‘rebels’

Sean Og O'hAilpin 5/9/2005

Minister for Transport/Tourism/Sport: David Gillick

The well known athlete turned GAA speed-merchant is the most radical Transport Minister this country has ever seen.

He bans all forms of public transport into city centres across the country and along with health tsar Tony Browne backs plans for everyone to run to work instead. He says ‘screw the water charges’ as showers are installed in every work place or employers have to provide free cans of ‘Lynx’ for employees in order to mask their sweaty bodies stench from all that exercise.

Gillick also introduces new forms of sport to Ireland, organising races against the now disused trains, buses and Luas trams to encourage the new healthy running craze and builds running tracks in every village in Ireland,bulldozing soccer pitches to make way for ‘The Running Revolution’

Gillick takes the term ‘running the country’ to new, lung-chafing heights.

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