Sofa. TV. Takeaway. All you’ll be doing this weekend is lying around watching sport.

And, in fact, the only decision you have to make is when you’re turning the channel because there’s too much overlap in a chaotic two-day schedule that you can enjoy from the comfort of your own home.

From the Premier League returning, some tasty rugby clashes, the golf, the fighting and mouthwatering GAA clashes all weekend, pray for rain because you don’t want to be leaving the house.

SATURDAY

11am – 1pm
Australia v New Zealand
Rugby Championship decider
Sky Sports 3

Wake up and watch the old enemies go to war from the safety of your own bed.

The pair clash in the Rugby Championship decider in Sydney and, a month out from the World Cup, it is a chance to run your eye over two of Ireland’s biggest contenders.

11am – 11.03am
England v Australia
The Ashes
Sky Sports 2

Three wickets will win the ashes for England in the fourth test. If it’s anything like the way it has been going, they’ll have a wicket a minute and the title wrapped up nice and early.

12pm
Soccer Saturday
Sky Sports News

Jeff is back.

12.30pm – 2-30pm
Leeds United v Burnley
The Championship
Sky Sports 1

Burnley are back in The Championship and they’re going to be given an acid test at Elland Road. We love Sean Dyche so we’re going to allow ourselves 15 minutes to ease into the return of the football before attention switches to Old Trafford.

12.45pm – 2.45pm
Manchester United v Tottenham Hotspur
Premier League
BT Sport 1

Louis van Gaal puts his De Gea-less outfit out for the first game of the season against a Spurs side with a pretty underwhelming transfer window behind them.

2pm – 3.45pm
Wales v Ireland
International Rugby Friendly
BBC Wales

You can’t watch this on your Sky box. If only it was being streamed somewhere online. We’re saying nothing.

3pm – 5pm
Bournemouth v Aston Villa
Premier League
Setanta Sports 1

No Benteke, no Delph, f**ks given by Tim Sherwood. Aston Villa’s manager gets his first full season in charge of any team underway away to the side that are going to be everyone’s second favourite this year.

4pm – 6pm
Monaghan v Tyrone
All-Ireland SFC quarter final
Sky Sports 5

There’ll be no more bad games in the championship, we promise you. The two Ulster rivals get the business end of the football season going at Croke Park.

5.30pm – 7.30pm
Chelsea v Swansea
Premier League
Sky Sports 1

The champions kick-start their defence. Everyone will be rooting for the Welsh side.

6pm – 8pm
Donegal v Mayo
All-Ireland SFC quarter final
Sky Sports 5

Two of the supposed elite four clash in the last eight. The last two times they met in the championship, Donegal won the Sam and then Mayo hammered them. Expect fireworks.

10.20pm – 11.40pm
Match of the Day
BBC One

Only your team winning could let you put up with this nonsense.

SUNDAY

3am – 6.30am
Glover Texeira v Ovice Saint Preux
UFC Fight Night Nashville
BT Sport 1

If you really don’t need any sleep, the prelims start at 1am.

12pm – 1.30pm
Preston North End v Middlesbrough
The Championship
Sky Sports 5

The playoff losers start all all over again. This time with added Downing.

12.30pm – 2.30pm
Partick Thistle v Celtic
Scottish Premier League
BT Sport 1

The big one.

1.30pm – 3.30pm
Arsenal v West Ham United
Premier League
Sky Sports 1

Genuine contenders? Let’s just see.

1.30pm – 3.30pm
Kilkenny v Galway
All-Ireland MHC semi final
TG4

If you don’t like those bloody foreign sports, watch the young guns get the action underway at Croker.

3.30pm – 5.30pm
Kilkenny v Waterford
All-Ireland SHC semi final
RTÉ 2

Nothing beat being there. But lying on your sofa with a bag of Doritos runs it pretty close.

4pm – 6pm
Stoke City v Liverpool
Premier League
Sky Sports 1

Let’s keep it below six, lads.

5pm – 11pm
WGC Bridgestone
Sky Sports 4

Graeme McDowell is chasing a title heading into the US PGA. Who doesn’t have time for a bit of golf on a Sunday evening?

9pm – 11pm
LA Galaxy v Seattle Sounders
MLS
Sky Sports 1

Finally, we get to watch Robbie Keane and Steven Gerrard at a reasonable hour.

9.30pm – 11.2opm
The Sunday Game
RTÉ 2

Relive the weekend’s GAA action through the eyes of someone who is sure to have seen it completely differently.

10.30pm – 11.40pm
Match of the Day 2
BBC Two

If you missed Brendan Rodgers’ post match interview, he’s sure to be character-ing and intensity-ing like his life depended on BBC’s recap of the weekend.

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