Six ways Sepp Blatter can make a success of his new radio career

Watch out Tubridy

Sepp Blatter is planning for the future it seems, and that future involves a career behind a microphone talking to himself in an empty studio. Well anything that keeps him out of football I guess. The current Fifa President announced today that the election for a new head of football will be held in February of next year. And after his time is up (I thought his time was up 10 years ago - Ed) the Swiss is looking forward to spinning the hits on a radio station. Seriously. https://twitter.com/SamWallaceIndy/status/623126425562787841 https://twitter.com/SamWallaceIndy/status/623130051832377344 So due to our hardcore love of radio, this SportsJOE has some special advice for Sepp if he wants to make it in the most challenging media of all.

Start local 

The death notices and the mart report. The building blocks of any successful radio career. Unless your Da worked in the RTE canteen or something and can get you a job plastering Daithi O Se's face for the Afternoon show everyday. Let your audience get to know your voice and mannerisms by the way you deliver the obituary notice of a woman who died 'kicking and screaming' in her bed at 9am that morning. Your listeners will soon know that you are a man to be trusted with more grave matters. *ba dum tish* Get everything else wrong but deliver the deaths right and you will be on the right path to success.

Say what you see 

The listeners are depending on you to tell them what's happening because they can't see what's going on, but you can. In front of your every own eyes. So you have to tell the truth. You can't just make stuff up or pretend not to see it, or ignore it. Be honest. People love honesty. Even if it makes you squirm.

Multi-tasking

You may have to present a show while also trying to placate a woman who's called in to reception to tell you she's lost her dog down a sewerage pipe. Being able to juggle several things at one time is a must for any aspiring radio presenter. You never know when there will be a large sum of money dropped into the station and you'll have to  'mind it' until its rightful owner comes to the door. Only problem being reception closes at 5pm and you're the only one in the station and you're not to keep cash on the premises overnight. What ever will you do?

Suck up to the boss

This goes for any job where you have someone in power whose pay scale and comfy chair you might like to snaffle someday. Be nice to him, make him tea and generally praise every boring story that you have heard from him 16 times before. You never know, they might know someone who could do you a favour some day, and they then could become your new friends. Then you'd have people who might be able to 'do' some of your work for you without you having to do anything. But you oversee the work all the same like. There are standards after all.

Brass neck

Being on radio means you're not in the public eye, but the public ear. So inevitably some criticism is going to come your way. If it's pronouncing Coughlan wrong (Caw-linn if you're in Cork) or saying that if you were in charge of camogie you'd make the skorts shorter and tighter to promote the game, then be ready for various sh*tstorms to come flying your way. You need to stay true to your convictions, don't answer any of your critics, and carry on calling Walsh 'Welsh' and Portlaoise 'Portleashie'. They are all wrong, you are the truth and the light.

Love the sound of your own voice

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tHacjnIHzLM You want a voice that is the aural equivalent of melted butter and chocolate. Not a melted wellington. You have to love talking and people need to love to listen to you. You don't want a whiny nasal drawl or the voice of a man that sounds like he is hiding under the bed all the time. No, that will not do at all. Actually Sepp maybe you should reconsider the whole radio thing after all.