God, it’s great to be alive.

If you’re working this weekend, phone in sick. If you have an other half demanding attention, dump them.

Saturday and Sunday are set to be the two greatest sofa days since the inception of sport – not even sofas. And nothing should stand in your way.

There’s so much going on that it’s not even funny and, unfortunately, it’s also impossible to plan your days around all of it but here’s a guide to our highlights that might just help you get some organisation around this dream of a weekend.

SATURDAY

5.30am – 8.30am
Hawthorn v West Coast Eagles
AFL Grand Final
BT Sport 1

If you fancy getting up early, a bit of full-blooded showpiece action from Down Under from the comfort of your own bed will keep you occupied. Alternatively, you can just watch the game at 3.30pm on the same channel.

10am – 12pm
Soccer AM
Sky 1

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KaZh9C8Q4sg

THAT Ryan McBride challenge will feature on Soccer AM as the panel discuss whether the Derry City mincer is indeed the hardest man in football.

12pm
Soccer Saturday
Sky Sports News

Just because.

12.45pm – 2.45pm
Crystal Palace v West Bromwich Albion
Premier League
BT Sport 1

Tony Pulis trying to ruin the game as a contest, Alan Pardew trying to make it all about him.

2.30pm – 4.30pm
Samoa v Japan
Rugby World Cup
TV3

We all still love Japan, right?

3pm – 5pm
Manchester City v Newcastle United
Premier League
Setanta Sports 1

5-0, 4-0, 4-0: the last three meetings between City and Newcastle. So… are we all making Aguero our Fantasy Football captain then?

4.45pm – 6.45pm
South Africa v Scotland
Rugby World Cup
TV3

This is a vital clash in Pool B thanks to Japan-gate.

5.30pm – 7.30pm
Chelsea v Southampton
Premier League
Sky Sports 1

Jose Mourinho’s men sit 14th in the league and the entire world will be lining up in hope of another kick to the Blues’ stomach while they’re still down.

8pm – 10pm
England v Australia
Rugby World Cup
TV3

Expect fireworks. The biggest game of the tournament since the Wales clash – only bigger. England host the Aussies at Twickenham and it’s as simple as this: win, or you’re out.

10.05pm – 11.05pm
The Ultimate Fighter
Setanta Ireland

Team Europe v Team USA, with added McGregor.

10.30pm – 11.55pm
Match of the Day
BBC One

If your team lost, there are Rugby World Cup highlights on TV3 and a countdown to UFC 192 on 3e.

SUNDAY

1am – 6am
UFC 192
BT Sport 2

Daniel Cormier puts his light heavyweight title on the line against Alexander Gustafsson. Joseph Benavidez and Ali Bagautinov top the prelims in the flyweight division.

12.45pm
Alfred Dunhill Links Championship
Sky Sports 4

Paul Dunne is on the march so make sure to check in on his progress through the last round on Sunday.

1.30pm – 3.30pm
Everton v Liverpool
Premier League
Sky Sports 1

One point separates the neighbours ahead of what is sure to be an intense battle in Goodison Park with Brendan Rodgers under serious pressure to deliver a result.

1.30pm – 3.30pm
Ajax v PSV Eindhoven
Eredivisie
Sky Sports 3

If you couldn’t be bothered with an English derby on Merseyside, this is hardly a bad alternative, is it?

2pm – 4pm
Bray Wanderers v Cork City
FAI Cup semi final
RTÉ 2

There can be only one.

2.30pm – 4.30pm
Argentina v Tonga
Rugby World Cup
TV3

Before the Ireland clash, run the rule over our potential quarter final opponents (hopefully anyway).

3pm – 5pm
Slaughtneil v Eoghan Rua
Derry SFC final
TG4

All-Ireland finalists Slaughtneil take on 2010 Derry champions Coleraine in the Oak Leaf county’s showpiece. Patsy Bradley is playing so expect pain. A lot of it.

4pm – 6pm
Arsenal v Manchester United
Premier League
Sky Sports 1

Let’s just see where both of these teams really are.

4.30pm – 6.30pm
Bayern Munich v Borussia Dortmund
La Liga
BT Sport Europe

Jesus, it does keep getting better.

4.45pm – 6.45pm
Ireland v Italy
Rugby World Cup
TV3

Come on!

6pm
Live NFL Redzone
Sky Sports 4

Sunday night NFL is back in our lives and you have the option of two games on Sky Sports 2 (Chiefs v Bengals at 5.30pm and Rams v Cardinals at 9.15pm). You can watch them if you want or you can just watch all the important action – without the cheerleaders, granted – from all over America as it happens on Redzone.

7pm
World Grand Prix (Dublin)
Sky Sports 3

Let’s play darts! Some of the finest throwers and characters descend on the Irish capital and start a week of competition on Sunday night.

7.30pm – 9.30pm
Atletico Madrid v Real Madrid
La Liga
Sky Sports 1

Carlo Ancelotti didn’t particularly enjoy this fixture but Rafa Benitez loves a good challenge and he’ll certainly get one across the city.

8pm – 10pm
PSG v Marseille
Ligue 1
BT Sport 2

Give Bentiez and Simeone half an hour and, when you realise that neither manager is particularly interested on attacking in such a big game, switch over to France and unwind if you can.

10.30pm – 11.45pm
Match of the Day 2
BBC One

You know it’s a big day when Match of the Day 2 is on BBC One.

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