Not since the now sacrosanct ‘Purple Dildo Deadline Day’ in 2015 have we had more of a nonsense
Do you remember? Do you remember poor Sky Sports journalist Alan Irvine getting prodded in the ear with a big purple dildo whilst he was stood outside Everton’s offices and trying to report on the free-agent signing of Tom Cleverley? (And of course it was Tom Cleverley, only Tom Cleverley could ever be the player at the heart of a transfer deadline day report whilst the journalist, visibly straining to tell you all about Tom Cleverley, gets vigorously and relentlessly dildoed in the ear).
You do don’t you? You do because, and I hate to say it, but it’s true, this was the last time you felt the dizzy, incomparable magic of deadline day coursing through your veins. Peter Odemwingie just sort of turning up at the QPR car park in the hope of getting a move? That, my friends, is better than heroin*.
* must be clear here and say I’ve never actually tried heroin but there is no way on earth it’s better than Peter Odemwingie. Or the dildo. There is just no way.
What I’m trying to say is that this, below, was the last time you watched the Sky Sports deadline counter tick down to 0:00:00 with any real hope or feeling in your heart. It was, wasn’t it?
Thankfully, transfer deadline day appears to have got its mojo back. In a big way. From David Luiz suddenly deciding he hates Chelsea and wants to leave to Jason Puncheon deciding to sign for a Cypriot First Division team to Manchester United being unfathomably Manchester United, deadline day is once again back on its bullshit.
And I think I speak for everyone when I say we couldn’t be more pleased. We couldn’t be more thrilled. Let’s recap all of today’s best nonsenses, shall we? Who needs Class As.
David Luiz to Arsenal/Chelsea fans giving his restaurant one-star ratings
David Luiz is, and I don’t think there is a more accurate description of a football player on this planet currently available in the modern lexicon, a messy bitch who lives for drama. Suddenly deciding that you absolutely must have a transfer away from a club you have joined on no less than two separate occasions, and repeatedly expressed your love for, and had signed a contract extension with only last year causing them to break their actual engrained club policy of not giving players over 30 new deals? And deciding that ONE DAY before the transfer window ends?
I’m sorry, but that is just top-tier transfer window shithousery. That’s phenomenal behaviour. Enormous. Wilfried Zaha could really learn a thing or two.
Oh, and shoutout to all the Chelsea fans responding in the pettiest way possible and giving Luiz’s Italian restaurant in London one-star reviews. That is as equally large. That is as equally fantastic.
Andy Carroll is home
Fly, sweet hair-banded Angel of the North. Return to your spiritual home, the land of quad-vods and kebab shops, the only place you’ve ever truly belonged.
The best bit about this transfer being reported live on Sky Sports News was without a doubt Andy Carroll himself genuinely saying the following line in his very first interview after rejoining his boyhood club after eight years: “I feel good, I’ve been running outside”. Oh. Oh brilliant, Andy. That’s fantastic mate. That’s top. Glad you’ve managed to get outdoors at some point over the summer as though you were a cow trapped in a farmer’s barn or something.
Actually, no, maybe it was Kevin Nolan, who jokingly (but also deadly seriously) said: “Steve Bruce might be giving me a call soon.” Honestly, Kevin. I wouldn’t rule it out.
And just when I thought it couldn’t get any better than that, good old Mr. Reliable himself, Steve McLaren, piped in, opining that “Steve Bruce will be the happiest man in Great Britain”.
Steve, I literally shook hands with Sergio Ramos today. I sniffed him. He smelt like an Autumnal dawn. Not a chance is Steve Bruce the happiest man in Great Britain because he’s signed an injury-prone Geordie target man.
— Newcastle United FC (@NUFC) August 8, 2019
Manchester United being unfathomably Manchester United
The good: Daniel James, Aaron Wan-Bissaka and Harry Maguire are all positive, if costly, additions. The bad: everything else.
At various points throughout this window United were linked to the following players: Bruno Fernandes (not signed), Christian Eriksen (not signed), Paulo Dybala (spectacularly not signed), Mario Mandžukić (obviously not signed), Matthijs De Ligt (hahahaha don’t be ridiculous), Fernando Llorente (Christ.), Inaki Williams (actually thought this one might happen but no, it didn’t), Sergej Milinkovic-Savic (as is now a yearly tradition), Philippe Coutinho (failed to move to Spurs too, tbf), James Maddison (don’t even remember this), David Neres (new five-year contract at Ajax), John McGinn (new five-year contract, get in) and last but not least, Jadon Sancho, heavily rumoured at the very start of the window. You know. Long before he fired Borussia Dortmund past Bayern Munich in the German Super Cup. Must be gutted.
Beyond that, they’ve also managed, somehow, to reject offers for Chris Smalling and Marcos Rojo (why?) and kept Matteo Darmian skulking around the team for another season rather than just mutually terminating his contract all so he can make exactly two appearances in the Carabao Cup and visit the children’s hospital at Christmas.
And please do spare a thought for Ed Woodward, who is now getting rinsed by the official Twitter account of Pizza Hut.
You hate to see it.
Hi @ManUtd does Ed still want this table booked under 'big name signing' or shall we cancel that one as well?
— Pizza Hut Restaurants (@pizzahutuk) August 8, 2019
(You very much love to see it.)
Whilst Romelu Lukaku… gets exactly what he wants
From training with Vincent Kompany’s Anderlecht to publicly outing the slowest players at Manchester United (Juan Mata, Nemanja Vidic and, lol, Luke Shaw), Romelu Lukaku has had an absolute frolic of a summer.
Best of all, he got exactly what he wanted: a £73 million move to Antonio Conte’s new Inter Milan revolution and the opportunity to bulldoze his way to 25-30 goals against a terrified bunch of Serie A defenders.
— Inter (@Inter) August 8, 2019
A question about the announcement video, though. Is having Big Rom hold a phone up and publicly admit “Inter Milan isn’t for everyone” really the nouveau-social media endorsement that they think it is? Is that… good? I’m not sure it is. I’m really not sure it is.
Paulo Dybala spending the entire offseason definitely, definitely moving somewhere but then actually not moving anywhere at all
You just have to respect the attitude of Paulo Dybala, here, quite clearly just not wanting to move to the P̶r̶e̶m̶i̶e̶r̶ ̶L̶e̶a̶g̶u̶e̶ Manchester United, and then almost finding his way to Spurs, where, if I’m being completely honest, he would have really thrived under Mauricio Pochettino’s tutelage and playing off Harry Kane, before a little thing called ‘having your image rights controlled by the Malta-based ‘Star Image’ company, who don’t sound dodgy at all, stopped the transfer dead.
No, they don’t sound dodgy one bit. Not one bit.
Can still find you on Getty Images though, can’t I? Can’t I, Paulo? Who’s laughing now?
Watford doing very good Watford-style business
I’ll let Steve McLaren talk you through this one. Think he has this one pretty much covered.
Hahahaha could there be a more British piece of punditry than this.
"We don't know him"
"He must be good, all Watford players are good" pic.twitter.com/svHcrsarlr
— Matt (@MAPhillips2010) August 8, 2019
Charlie Austin moving to West Bromwich Albion for £4 million, the most deadline day signing ever?
Let me ask you, has there ever been a more transfer deadline day signing that Charlie Austin joining West Bromwich Albion for £4 million?
Let me ask you, has there ever been a more transfer deadline day image than the following, a blonde-haired, black-bearded Chaz Austin giving the West Brom badge the ‘are you chatting to my missus?’ side-eye as though he’s going to glass it?
Let me ask you, has there ever been a more transfer deadline day signing GIF than this, Chaz Austin half-heartedly doing the Griezmann because the social media intern behind the camera called Tristan thought it would be good ‘bants’?
— West Bromwich Albion (@WBA) August 8, 2019
Let me ask you, has there ever been a more transfer deadline day signing than Charlie Austin joining West Bromwich Albion for £4 million?
The answer is no, no there has not.
Jason Puncheon joining *checks notes* the Cypriot First Division to play for *squints eyes to read smudged ink on palm* Pafos FC
Do I need to explain to you why Jason Puncheon moving to a Cypriot First Division team called Pafos FC, agonisingly close to the Greek word for sadness and tragedy but still pronounced the same so we’ll just go with it, is good?
If I do, you’re in the wrong place. Jason Puncheon is 33. 33! Three seasons ago he made 36 appearances in the Premier League! Cyprus! A word that literally means suffering! This is the greatest free transfer signing of all time! Easily! It’s not even close!
SCOTT CARSON TO MAN CITY ON LOAN YUUUUUURRRRSSSSS
✍️ We are delighted to have signed Scott Carson from Derby County on a year-long loan deal.
Welcome, Scott! ?
— Manchester City (@ManCity) August 8, 2019
How could we end on anything else? Just fair plays all round for this one. Fair play to Scott Carson for living the dream and following on the extended, heroic efforts of Rob Green, whose 0 appearances for Chelsea were instrumental to the club’s Europa League success. Whether Carson can go one better and pick up a Champions League medal with appearing in a single minute of actual football, only time will tell. But my bet is that he can. He definitely, definitely can.
Second of all, fair play to City themselves for actually going through the effort of producing this dub-steppy, epileptic fit-inducing welcome video for their third-choice goalkeeper signed exclusively to pad out their homegrown quota for Europe.
And finally, fair play, fair play to all of us, for still looking at a free agent transfer that includes Scott Carson and a team he will never ever play for (even though, technically he does play for them) and still, somehow, caring. Fair play. Well done to us. We deserve it. Goodnight.