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16th Apr 2018

Peter Crouch playing golf sparks a very valid question

Kyle Picknell

Peter Crouch

Just Peter Crouch things

Peter Crouch is tall. Everybody knows this. It’s the reason he has scored the most headed goals in the Premier League and pretty much the reason he is such an effective, strangely beautiful footballer; combining the poetic subtlety and delicate control of a ballet dancer with the height, determination and rubberised neck swinging of a giraffe at an EDM rave.

It’s his defining characteristic, the cartoonish, funhouse mirror way his body moves, and he is probably sick of it all, really. He must sit at home wondering why nobody ever mentions the exquisite close control and intelligent movement that means he has scored the ludicrous amount of goals he has during his career, despite the fact that these days it can sometimes look as though he is trying to run underwater.

Why, then, are you using the world’s smallest set of golf clubs Crouchy? This isn’t mini-golf. You know how this looks don’t you? You know what you’re doing. You know this would be like Shaquille O’Neal trying to drive a Fiat 500 in an extra-small Topman scoop-neck.

It’s because you love us, isn’t it? You bring us nothing but joy and we love you for it. Just look at this image. Look at it. Soak it in. Sketch it out from memory. Print it out and frame it and put it on your bedside table. Stick it on a new €50 note. Hang it up in the Louvre. Bask in its glory.

You’re a rich man after all. You could afford some custom clubs. If NBA players can hit the links with clubs that don’t look like they were hit with a shrink ray we’re sure you could too. But you don’t care do you? You are Peter Crouch. It doesn’t matter what people think. You’ve overcome all that already. You’re Peter James Crouch and you’ve scored a record 51 towering headers and the now second best bicycle kick of all time and you can do whatever the fuck you like.

You can absolutely stroll into the club shop, look around, shrug, pick up the nearest bag of clubs and just go out for a round for the exact same reason you can marry a supermodel and alter an entire nation’s belief that footballers don’t really have personalities.

You’re Peter Crouch and you play golf with the world’s smallest clubs because of course you do. There could be no other way.

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