Five-a-side football: The best and worst thing ever.
Small-sided footie – be it five, six or seven a side – is the most enjoyable sport on the planet, indoor or out, but they come with some drawbacks and some rules.
Each of them classic. Each of them everyone will understand.
1. A goalkeeper is the most important thing to ever exist
“Do we have a ‘keeper?”
The most common question of all time. Goalkeepers are priceless. If you lose a game, it’s because of their “b*stardin’ goalkeeper”. If you play a game, it’s probably because you have a b*stardin’ goalkeeper. An actual goalkeeper makes all the difference in this world and if he can’t play until 9.30pm, then you won’t play until 9.30pm.
2. Last-minute walkovers
40 minutes to kick off, you’re kitted out, looking forward to getting out of the house and dying to get a crack at the worst team in the league to boost your morale. Phone call: game’s off. They’ve pulled out.
3. If you can replace someone who’s dropped out, you are a f**king hero
Finding an extra man to play football should not be so hard but it is the most thankless task ever to drag people up off their arses to kick a ball around.
See the full list of football bluffers’ excuses here.
4. The team who are always a man short
Every single week they show up with just four and will try to convince a stranger to stay on and play another game.
5. Don’t you dare pull out of a tackle
If the ball is there, you better be sure that you bloody well go for it. If the ball isn’t there, you go for something.
6. The GAA team
None of them are particularly shit but none of them really do anything either other than shoving you against the wall when they get half a sight of your shoulder. Put their all into safe, sideways passes. Love tracking back and getting blocks in. Love a bit of the rough and tumble.
7. The old man with a knee strap
Marshals the backline like all of your lives depended on it. He’s not here for a muck-around and he’s not here to have some young buck run past him. Probably the dirtiest player of the lot and the lad who needs it most. Won’t be happy before, during or after the game.
8. The player who learnt everything he knows from Pro Evo
His L1 triangle is letting him down in real life but he knows it was so, so close.
9. Just pass the bloody ball
Why don’t some people like passing? Stroking a ball around is fun. It’s better than running into blind alleys and trying to wriggle your way back to defence away from three tacklers. There’s always a player who never just lets it go when he should. Just pass and move. Just pass the f**king ball!
10. Don’t argue with THAT goalkeeper
He seemed sound, he actually seemed really funny too but someone has put a hard tackle in on one of his team mates and he is not happy. No, he is not stable. Flips the lid. Telling him to shut up will only make it worse. Will roar and shout over the top of everyone, the referee won’t have a hope of calming him down, and he’ll hand out threats for the rest of the game. From his box.
11. The team of fat lads playing together since they were eight
The worst about it is they are taking the piss out of you and barely moving.
12. The lad with the ankle
Goes over it for the craic nowadays. He might not even need to be tackled, sometimes controlling a hard pass will do the trick and, whilst he’ll try and power on, he’ll end up standing in goals for the rest of the game with a tennis ball inside his foot.
13. The League of Ireland player
What’s he getting out of this?
14. No slide tackles
But I got the ball!
15. The boy who doesn’t play in goals
And he’ll let balls trickle by him until you have no other option but to let him out.
16. Jammy b*stard
Any goal that’s ever scored is jammy. It’s rotten luck, unintentional, hit and hope. People are hitting them first time from the wing because they couldn’t be bothered to run any more and they’re flying into the corner. Other men are skipping by you because they’ve gotten a lucky break or cheated and used the wall.
17. Track the f**king runner!
Just follow him. PLEASE.
18. Below head height
Denying you of special Hollywood passes since 1991. The rules are the reason you’re not any good. You’re too good for this game.
19. The runner
Would you ever just stop? He’s striding forward off-the-shoulder, he’s first man back, pestering you wherever you have the ball and running loops in attack just because he can.
20. Odd numbers
You’d rather not play than play with an odd number.
21. The guy who holds it in the corner
Big, awkward, aggressive. He’s probably no good but, Jesus, does he come alive when he has it in the corner. Will hold there for as long as he can against the wall and arse his way into anyone who dares try to get it off him. Not losing the ball in the corner is a victory and one which he takes very, very seriously.
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