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First things first, let's think about the weather. Which of these conditions do you prefer playing your football in?

Come on. I'm from Madeira. Day-to-day sunshine please.

Binning it down, nearly all year round

Cold, sometimes even snowy. Freezing conditions slows defenders down.

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Which of these men do you most admire?

Sir Alex Ferguson

Florentino Perez

Lionel Messi

Cristiano Ronaldo, obviously

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To what extent does playing Champions League football every year matter to you?

I have to play Champions League. I AM the Champions League

The occasional run in the Europa League would be quite nice.

I prefer mid-table mediocrity and the occasional relegation scrap.

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Would you describe yourself as someone who is easily disappointed?

Not really. I take each day as it comes.

Yes. When you set high expectations for yourself, this is part of life.

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Which of these music acts are you most likely to listen to?

Las Ketchup

Andrea Bocelli

Simply Red (Ask your dad)

David Guetta

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To what extent do you love your old clubs?

I love them all. Especially Manchester United. Definitely them.

Ha! You don't honestly believe that shit do you? I only love me.

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Are you the kind of person who is open to trying new things, or do you stick to what you're good at?

I'm open to trying new things

I stick with what I know I'm good at

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How do you like your club owners?

Charismatic businessmen

Parasitic Americans

Rulers of wealthy states with questionable human rights records

Those that might end up paying me in beans instead of actual money

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As a prolific goalscorer, which of these legendary strikers do you most admire?

Müller

Ronaldo

Del Piero

Lineker

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What's more important to you in life?

Making more money than I, or the next three generations of my family, could ever spend

Being regarded a success by my peers

Preserving the bond I have with Man United fans, who I definitely love. Honest.

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What do you think of this man's choice of career path?

Treacherous

I admire it. Real winners put club loyalties aside.

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What kind of manager do you most enjoy playing for?

One with an obsessive eye for detail

A manager who sometimes prioritises results over style

One I'll not get attached to as they'll likely be sacked in 6 months

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Truthfully, do you hate this man?

Lionel is a wonderful player. Our rivalry is on the pitch only and he is a great man.

I can't stand the little bastard.

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