How can they win?
The lifespan of a GAA manager and his/her effect is simple. They ride in on a wave of optimism but, within days, their catchphrases and personalities take on a life of their own.
It doesn’t matter if you’re a good coach, your sayings will still be used as a stick to beat you with but we’ve all had too many coaches down through the years who dish out some shit advice and downright bad ideas.
Here are some of the worst of them.
1. This is a shit turnout, it’s not good enough
Well, I’m here – stop scolding me!
2. We’re going to play sweepers today
Ah Christ.
Prepare for the floods of runners strolling through your defence and no player on your team taking accountability for the loose players.
3. Don’t give it away
Yep.
I wasn’t planning to.
4. We need to win more breaks
Any thoughts on how we can do that?
5. They’re going to be really up for this
Right.
Aren’t we?
6. I can’t do it for you
Because you’re about 30 years over the bar, that’s why.
7. Stop cutting inside
But you told me not to run into the tackle and you warned me not to give it away!
8. Go down, put your two hands on your hurley, you’ll get your free
Can I not just put one hand on the hurley?
9. That player has scored three points off you
I KNOW! Okay, I know!
I know that better than you.
10. We’re going to send the big midfielder into the edge of the square
FFS.
IT. DOES. NOT. WORK.
11. They’re going to hit you and they’re going to mouth and they’re going to be in your face
And what are we going to do?
12. If you don’t train, you won’t play
But you will…
13. Don’t let him do that to you
Believe me, it wasn’t part of the plan.
14. Whatever happens, we do not concede a f**king goal
If ever there was a jinx…
15. Nobody leave until we talk about what went wrong today
Ah for God’s sake, what’s the point? Just let us go – you can whinge on Tuesday.
16. Look, if you don’t want to be here, go home
Okay.
See ya.
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